Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Top Nine

Pre-Show Banter

Lorrie: I almost missed the beginning of American Idol tonight, due to breaking news issues. For those of you not in "the know," Lakeland Local was purchased today by The Ledger. Well, this afternoon, I learned that Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd was preparing an eleventh-hour counter-offer to purchase the newly renamed "The Local" to create a second, online cyber-station.



As of press time, I was unable to confirm whether Chuck would be required to undergo a physical fitness test. In a phone interview this afternoon, Chuck said he would propose his own weapons qualification with his Cross pen. When I was like, "huh?" He said, "The pen is mightier than the malfunctioning Glock and bullets." Stay tuned...

Now on to the Idol...I predict that David Archulleta will dress up like a cowgirl and sing "9 to 5."

Stay with us, people. It's baseball season and we're lucky Chuck's even watching the Idol.


Brooke White- Joleen.

Chuck: Baseball season started yesterday, and it is "free baseball preview week" on cable so I had to switch around a lot tonight. First up for the AI Nine was Brooke "Fordy" White. Good hit, average power, not a time tested talent. But she's sure to get on base every week. That's why she's batting in the leadoff spot tonight.

She takes a fat pitch named Jolene and bangs out a double. Nice tone, pleasant delivery, gives a serious look at the end.

At second she calls time to confer with the coaches: Randy "The Straw that Stirs the Drink" Jackson tells her she's a nice girl. Paula "Spaceman" Abdul gets existensional with "You are who you are." likes some 21^st Century "I am who I am." Third base coach Simon "Spikes High"
Cowell's advice is lost in the crowd noise. Cameras catch White answering each coach with the same tone she uses off-season as a nanny.

Lorrie: This is one of my all-time favorites from Dolly Parton. I liked the version, but didn't love it. Dolly's version has a beautiful, eery quality to it that I adore.

Paula, AKA "Captain Obvious" was on par this evening with this comment: "You. Are. Brooke. White." "Wha.....?"

David Cook- Little Sparrow.

Chuck: Up second is catcher David "Pudge" Cook. Shaking off the coach's signal to bunt, he turns his own arrangement of Little Sparrow into a sharp single to third. The third baseman holds Brooke at Second, but can't get Cook out at First. Jackson, Abdul, and Cowell do that old baseball stand by "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Say Some Evil" while the audience waits for the number three hitter.

Lorrie: I cringed slightly when I learned he would do his own arrangement. He's been so fortunate finding great rock versions of his past songs. Can he do it on his own? Why yes, kind A.I. fan, he can! I really liked this performance.

Ramielle Malubay- Do I Cross Your Mind?

Chuck: In a shocking turn of events, the solid singing Chikieze, is pulled for pinch-hitter Ramiele "Say Hey" Malubay. The little shortstop seems out of place singing "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" in the important number three spot. Three pitches, and three strikes. She's out. She never got
the bat off her shoulder. The next mind we think she'll cross is the coach for the Single-A Miramar Sashimi.

Lorrie: Do I cross your mind? Um, less and less with each passing week, Girlie. She sounded a little shaky tonight, Dawg.

Jason Castro- Travelin' Through.

Chuck: The crowd takes a smoke break as clean up hitter Jason Castro comes to the plate. A lot people don't know Castro had a try out with the Washington Senators as a pitcher * . Obviously, he's out in left field these days. In a surprise move Castro bunts "Travelin' Thru" for a single. Jackson and Abdul give Castro a high five. Cowell glares over from third. The man doesn't like when the players miss signals.

Lorrie: My fingers want to curl up as I type this, but I have to say that this was a good song for him to sing. He'll sail on through tonight. My husband just said Jason is a hemp-snake Medusa.

Carly Smithson- Here You Come Again.

Chuck: Carly "Irish" Smithson steps up to the plate. Carly looks a little ragged tonight -- like a poor girl's Cher. She hits a note with "Here You Come Again" deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep into right for a sliding triple. Jackson and Abdul respond with a minute of "Who's On First." We
never get tired of that. Cowell fines Carly for wearing her pants out of her stirrups.

Lorrie: I liked this slowed down, stripped down version. That's all I've got for this one.

David Archuleta- Smoky Mountain Memories.

Chuck: Because of his slump, fan favorite David Archuleta has dropped down to the sixth spot. Looking to get his swing back he steps up to the left side of the plate to sing Imagine. No wait, he steps over the plate to belt out "Smoky Mountain Memories" for a sliding double. It's an old
favorite of the coaches and they're pleased with the young phenom. However, the visiting coach notices the boy swings only at off-speed stuff. If he doesn't learn to hit the curve they may have to drop him down to AAA for some seasoning.

Lorrie: Ok, so my 9 to 5 prediction was wrong. Oh well. I think Simon will accuse him of singing songs too old for him again. And if he does, I will agree. But still, he has an amazing voice and he blew this song away.

Well, I was wrong. Again. And that's why I'm blogging here in the minor league and not for the big boys.

Kristy Lee Cook- Coat of Many Colors.

Chuck: Weak hitting "Shoeless" Kristy Lee Cooke tries to get some mojo back by borrowing team owner Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors." The uniform doesn't help as she dribbles one to second base and is out by five feet. As she runs off she throws a kiss to third base coach Cowell. Is there love in the air?

Lorrie: Boring. When will she go HOME?!

SYESsha Mercado- I Will Always Love You.

Chuck: Batting eighth is utility infielder sYESha Mercado. Predictably she tries to carry a too-big Witney Houston model bat for her slap-hitting swing. She does hit one deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep into left field, but it is foul. It's almost like Smithson and Mercado had a bet who could hit one farther. sYESha is called out on a third strike, but
reaches base when the catcher drops the ball. She serenades the catcher with her rendition of "I will always love you."

Lorrie: Well, well, well. I couldn't see THIS one coming from 17 miles away. Y'all, I don't like her hair tonight. If you're not Dolly or Whitney, you need to never sing this song. Ever. It seems that she bordered on nasally at the end. This is my favorite comment from my husband tonight, said as he looked over his newspaper long enough to take notice of sYESha's wardrobe selection: "That yellow and red just don't work. Makes her look like a fertilized egg." If you knew poultry like we know poultry, you'd be chuckling right now.


Dolly Parton is rumored to have said this about I Will Always Love You: "When I wrote that song, I opened up a bank account. When Whitney Houston performed it, I bought the bank."


Unless your voice enables Dolly to buy controlling ownership of Berkshire Hathaway, stay away from it, singers!

Michael Johns- "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right."

Chuck: That leaves pitcher Michael "Vegamite" Johns as the last AI batter of the night. A big fan of owner Parton, Michael puts on baseball's first ascot, and sings the blues with "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right." He makes it to first on a Fielder's Choice, when sYESha limps into second.

Lorrie: He to' this song UP! Lordy, was that good.

Chuck's Top Three: Carly, Brooke and David Cook score.

Lorrie's Top Three: Michael Johns, David Cook and Carly Smithson

Chuck's Bottom Three- Ramiele, sYESha, and Kristy Lee make the night's three outs. I predict we'll hear Ramiele is sent down to the minors tonight.

Lorrie's Bottom Three- Ramielle, Kristy Lee and sYESsha. Goodbye Ramielle.

3 comments:

The Troll said...

That was an interesting recap. If Shequitha stays alive, I'll go out on a limb and predict she imitates Whitney again next week.

Interstate4Jammer said...

My Bottom Three: David Cook, Ramielle, and Michael Johns.

My Top Three: Carly Smithson, David Archuleta, and Kristy Lee Cook.

Kristy Lee got lucky this week that country music is her main genre. It wasn't a great performance, but good enough to keep her in the competition for another week.

Darbysea said...

Who is this Chuck person? Did you make him up?