Chuck: Our whole universe was in a hot dense state, Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids), Math, science, history, unravelling the mysteries, That all started with the big bang!
I get the first word, and my first word is....watch The Big Bang Theory. Thirty minutes of finely crafted, intelligent humor in the Dick van Dyke Show vein.
That said, I'd like to congratulate Lorrie for accurately predicting that sYESha would sing Thank the Lord for the Night Time. And she also predicted three other of the 10 songs sung. Blue, I mixed up David A. & Brooke, who switched the songs I predicted for them.
I figure you've watched the episode or you wouldn't suffer through my half of the column. So, I won't recap the whole hour. Instead, I'll simply ask:
Paula was critiquing songs that hadn't been sung. I'm not saying that in the manner of "Wow, she was so out of it she heard that song differently than I did."
No, I mean she was offering her opinion on songs yet to be performed.
Lorrie: Thank you for saying it first, Chuck! Paula poked her drowsy head out of the pill bottle long enough last night to confirm that she is, in fact smoking, snorting, shooting up whatever she can get her hands on.
Chuck: And later she called sYESha "Brooke."
Cut to the pictures:
Yeah, I can see how Paula Livingston Seagull messed that up.
Next week on American Idol: Intervention!
Lorrie: Or, Celebrity Rehab!
Chuck: Let's look at the final five:
Jason- "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "September Morn"
Simon hated them both, and for good reason. Castro brought nothing new to the table. As Gertrude Stein once wrote, "There is no there there."
He's pleasant enough, but he's lost his way. That said, "Forever in Blue Jeans" was better than "September Borin'"
Lorrie: It makes me feel physcally ill to say this, but I think thought "Forever in Blue Jeans" was a very good song for him.
But "September Morn?" Not so much. Very "Bill-Murray-In-The-Airport-Lounge" on SNL.
Chuck: David C: "I'm Alive" and "All I Really Need is You"
Yet again the smartest performer of the night, Cook sang a pair of songs you've never heard.
When Diamond heard Cook practice them, the Solitary Man said to the producers, "I thought they had to sing one of my songs?"
Cook had to prove to Diamond that he'd written the song by pulling out a copy of Heartlight.
Diamond called his manager and was heard to say, "I ordered all those albums burned! BURNED!"
Lorrie: Both songs were very "Our Lade Peace." Which works for him. Clearly.
Chuck: Brooke "I'm a Believer" and "I Am I Said"
Well, I am not a believer. I would leave her. Oh I've tried, because I thought final three was more or less a given thing. But the more she sang, the less I got. What's the use of continuing, all she'll get is pain. She was sunshine. Now all she is is rain.
There's not a trace of doubt in my mind, she's bottom two.
Bottom two I said. Is no one there? No one at all?
Lorrie: I love how Brooke pulled out her "Juice Newton sings Neil Diamond's song that was done best by The Monkees." Seriously, people...could she have looked any more like Juice last night? It's uncanny!
I seriously did not like this performance. It was like a "Kumbaya" version of this song.
A flash of redemption came with her second performance, but sadly, I must agree with Chuck that she is bringing up the rear on the results show tonight.
Chuck: David A. " Sweet Caroline" and "America "
Not even a chair could hold audience members when they heard the AIBot 2000 sing "Sweet Caroline." Evidently, they were all Red Sox fans.
Editor's note: For the non-baseball fans, the Boston Red Sox play Sweet Caroline during the seventh inning stretch. For comedy fans: it's a bad sign when you explain your jokes. For editor's note fans: you're welcome.
On the boats, and on the planes. That's where I wish I'd been when David sang America. The song was a Cheese Fest in the Mall of America when it was in The Jazz Singer. Years later it's still less beautiful than noise.
Lorrie: Wow...you'd think that my sweet little David A. peed in your cereal bowl. The attacks are getting harsher, you know. And Stage Daddy doesn't like when people dis his little cash cow. You better watch your back, Chuck.
With that said, I'll now take this moment to throw my husband under the bus with you and print his comment regarding David A. last night: "It would just tear me up to have to sit and listen to a whole CD of his songs."
I think David pulled out the Kristie Lee patriot card on his performance of "America." And the stunt didn't go unnoticed by Simon.
Chuck: sYESha -- "Hello Again" and "Thank the Lord for the Night Time"
Maybe I'm crazy. I'm sure I'll get some blame. But I'm putting my heart above my head and I'm calling just to let you know, sYESha was the best of the night. It's time to groove on the way she projects a song she loves. But I fear you won't bring me flowers when I predict she'll be Bottom Two.
Lorrie: sYESha put her Madonna hair on tonight! That gurl has 'stensions, and if I'm lyin' I'm dyin.
On another note, I think there's a secret AI rulebook somewhere that says every singer must perform a song barefoot at some point during the season. Last night was sYESha's turn.
"Hello Again" sounded very "Disney movie soundtrack" to me.
I actually thought she would do a better job of the second song, because it seemed right up her alley. Unfortunately, I think she fell flat.
Chuck: Wow, wait a minute. Maybe Cracklin Paula isn't crazy. If you know what I mean. She mixed up Brooke and sYESha almost as if she knew they'd end up in the Bottom Two. Brooke & sYESha, SYESha and Brooke. Who goes? Let's ask Neil....
As I stood by my window
And I looked out on those
Neil says Brooke hitting the road. Love's on the rocks for poor Brooke.
Her next stop is Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show.
Pack up the babies, and grab the old ladies. I'm headed for the future.
See you next week.
Lorrie: Just to be different, I'm going to go with Jason "Hairball" Castro and Brooke "The Juice" White in the Bottom Two tonight.