American Idol Top Seven Results Show Recap

Chuck: This is Lorrie's week. For my part, I'm going to try to make sure the column isn't longer than the results show. So, I'm going to go all Sgt.
Joe Friday on y'all....

Lorrie: OK...first it was your mention of the vapors and now it's "y'all." If you can use "fixin'" properly in a sentence, I'm going to make you an honorary southerner.

Now back to Chuck's Dragnet version of the results:

• Was that Courtney Love or Tori Spelling in the audience?

• Carly has performance anxiety. She always sounds better on the results show.

• Simon believes Carly is potentially great. If she doesn't fall apart, that is.

• With the commercial this week Ford clues everyone in to the robotic David A.

• The AI producers continue the annual "three to a side...which side is safe?" game. It is as boring this year as before. But looks better when compared to the idiotic questions segment.

• David A. sits down rather than pick a side that is safe. Bo Bice did that first. Maybe that's a sign David A. will last as far as Bice did?

• No matter how much Ryan tried to coax David A. over to the safe side he refused to listen. Worse, Ryan had to specifically tell Carly she was safe before she understood. No album entitled "E=MC2" for that woman.

• Simon gives Kristy Lee a wink just before she sings.

• the stories you've just read are true. Only my name has been changed to protect the innocent.

I'm tacking my comments on to the bottom because A) I didn't want to ruin Chuck's Joe Friday routine and B) I'm a babbling brook. There's NO WAY I could be that succinct.

First of all, I wish I had written this last week, because I would look like a genious at this point: I knew that tonight would be the night where AI contestants were split into groups. I knew the seventh person would be told to go stand with the group they think they should be in. Secondly, I knew whoever that was, they would go all Bo Bice on the place and not follow instructions.

True to form, the audience of trained seals begins clapping loudly when Jason Castro is told to stand at a point on the stage. Meanwhile, I scream at the TV, "You don't even know whether that's going to be the group of Top Three or Bottom Three contestants!!!"

I get nervous in the beginning when Ryan sends Kristy Lee Cook to stand beside David Cook. Oh. My. God. Is she safe again?!

In case you doubted the coolness that is David Cook, let me remind everyone that Elliot Yamin took a page from David's cool book by writing on his hand "We miss you Mom."

If that's not a sign that David C. might win this thing...well...I don't know what is.

sYESha has Sanjaya hair tonight.

Meghan, one of the most annoying callers is this train wreck part of the results show, spends her question time sending shouts out to all of her friends. People, have we not learned yet that this is NOT WORKING?

OMG...David Cook says he's single. Chuck, I may not be able to blog next week, as I will be planning my stalker attack on David.

Mariah Carey takes the stage to promote her "E=MC2" album. I honestly don't think Mariah could sing if her hands were tied behind her back. I almost wonder if she's doing sign language to David Cook: "Meet me backstage after the show. I want to sing 'Always Be My Baby' to you while I brush your hair back with my fingers and uncover that bald patch."

David Archuleta, who is wearing his Michael Jackson leather jacket, breaks into a moon walk while singing "Beat It" instead of honoring Ryan's request to pick which group he should be in.

In an effort to drag this out even longer than he needs to, Ryan plays a round of Red Rover and has the Bottom Three send David Cook on over.

Well, well, well...Kristy Lee is in the Bottom Three. Color me surprised! Thank you, America!!! Kristy Lee is FINALLY outta there!!!

See y'all next week.

P.S. Y'all have no idea how much restraint I used in not gloating that I picked the Bottom Three spot on last night!