Friday, April 11, 2008

American Idol Results- And Then There Were Seven

Chuck: It's 1 a.m. and I'm sitting here on the veranda, sipping a sweet tea*, still in shock America voted off such a fine Southern boy as Michael Johns. And don't try to tell me Michael isn't Southern. If Australia isn't the Super Deep South then hounds don't hunt penguins South of Sydney.**

This show was a roller coaster from that first inspirational song by Up With People! to Ryan's final gut wrenching, knife-twisting, comment.

Lorrie: I found it pleasantly refreshing that the A.I. group sang Shout to the Lord not once, but twice this week. I felt like I was sitting front and center in Family Worship Center. It's like they're tryin' to have a revival up in there! Is this an A.I. first?

Chuck: Lorrie, I have four questions. Who were the C- celebrities in that silly video? Why couldn't Kobe Bryant skip wearing a band aid for the video shoot? Why did Mr. Clean threaten to knock down my door if I didn't contribute to Idol Gives Back? Who writes John McCain's comedy bits and would he or she polish up these columns?

Lorrie: My answers are as follows: I have no clue, because he's emulating Nelly, because he thinks you're a wussy, and I've been told it's Congressman Adam Putnam and he recently graciously agreed to polish up these columns for a small donation to the Republican Party. (Lorrie pauses while Chuck gets out his checkbook)

Chuck: As I predicted, Carly and sYESha were in the bottom three. We don't know who was second-to-last since AI didn't mention anything other than Michael was last.

Carly did acknowledge my prediction she'd be bumped off the show. She held her hand up when Ryan asked who would have the lowest vote total. Her "Nooooo" when Michael was announced was loud enough to pull that sound tech back on stage for a refit.

Lorrie: Chuck, for the last time, Carly is not communicating with you through the television, you silly goose. And for crying out loud, wash off that magic marker half-sleeve. No one is buying that you have a tattoo.

I conducted extensive research and learned why Kristy Lee is eeking by week after agonizing week: is encouraging the rednecks to vote for her.

Regarding the Chris Brown/Jordin Sparks performance...who is Jordin Sparks again? I'm sorry. That's mean. It's just that I fear she will be out of a record deal soon. That seems to be the trend for more than half of the American Idols.

Regarding Ryan's comments to Jordin after the performance: he just acts like a straight-up dork sometimes. And that makes me want to kick him in the shin.

Chuck: The highlight of the show was Ryan teasing Michael Johns with a pardon before pulling the switch. He mentioned last year that on Idol Gives Back week no one was eliminated. Then he smiled and added, "Tonight we're going to say goodbye to Michael."

Even after being voted off Michael wanted to argue with Simon that his song choice was correct. Southern boys never give up the fight.

My only hope is next week we'll continue seeing people voted off who had never previously made the bottom three. Y'all hear that David Archuleta?

Lorrie: You hush up about Li'l Cutie before I kick you in the shin!

I think Michael was the sacrificial lamb of the show this week. My theory is the A.I. producers pull a stunt like this on purpose as a wake-up call to the fans. Next week, I predict there will be yet another record set with the number of votes.

As his last hoorah, Michael "Shields and Yarnell" Johns' final pantomime performance will be his being-dragged-offstage-by-a-hook routine while mouthing the words "The South's Gonna Rise Again!"

Y'all come back next week, when hilarity and mayhem ensue!

* -- Don't question my Southern heritage.
** -- If you don't understand a Southern homily, don't embarrass
yourself by asking.

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