Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Winner Announced

Chuck: The last column, or how Lorrie could turn 117 votes into 12 million.

Lorrie: I prepared myself all day to watch 120 minutes of TV to get to what took all of 7 seconds to learn- David Cook is this year's American Idol.

I know, I know...I could've turned on the TV at 9:57 p.m. and seen all I needed to see, but I would've missed Jason Castro's rendition of Hallejuah again. I would've missed Amanda Overmyer singing as though she had a Rottweiler stuck in her throat. I would've missed Donna Summer's bad weave.

I will take this opportunity to explain Randy's wardrobe: he actually was running late from the Off-Broadway production of "I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka!" and didn't have time to change out of his costume before he hit the AI theater.

Chuck: I predict this column will be much shorter than that Love Guru commercial skit.

Lorrie: Somehow, we haven't been very successful at paring this down as the weeks progressed. Why start now?

Chuck: Jason Castro sang again. Well, it went like this, the fourth, the fifth, a minor fall, a major lift, and it was over. Hallelujah.

They spent two minutes on Ford commercial outtakes. And we thought the commercials were bad.

The final six women sang Donna Summer. We learned two things: Nothing in the American Idol contract could force Amanda Overmeyer into a dress and Brooke White dances like a prom queen whose punch has been spiked.

Donna Summer proved she works not so hard for her money by giving her mic to sYESha.

Coke spared no expense and ran a two year old commercial 17 times.

Jimmy Kimmel needs to go back to Sarah Silverman and beg her to write him new material.

David Archuleta's father wouldn't let him sing “Summer of 69.” For obvious reasons.

Lorrie: Why did they let David Hernandez, the not-so-secret-gay-male-stripper, sing the verse about "Jody got married?" He wasn't believable, BTW.

Chuck: Wow, new songs by Bryan Adams, Donna Summer, and George Michael. That's why I listen to those know, for the new stuff.

Lorrie: I felt embarrased when the Davids sang Heaven and the David2008 sang "Now nothing can take me away from you." Dude, he totally sounded like he was singing that to DC.

A brief side-note- All these years, I've never realized that Bryan Adams had the Madonna-Gap in his teeth.

Chuck: The best moment with David Cook and ZZ Top was when Cook started the famous ZZ Top knee swing. The guys didn't join in. It's easy to break a hip at that age.

Lorrie: DC did an awesome job with the ZZ Top song. That, by far was my favorite performance of the night. I don't care that they sing some of the most sexist songs ever written, I love 'em!

Chuck: Couldn't you just picture Crosby, Stills, Nash, & White? I want to hear her sing “Tin soldiers and Nixon's coming...”

Did we really need to learn Cook prefers briefs and Archuleta boxers? I hope those Guitar Hero commercials never run again.

Lorrie: I think Daddy Dearest prefers boxers and therefore, the David2008 prefers boxers.

Chuck: Seeing the Jonas Brothers made me long for the days of Hanson. Mmmm- Bop.

Lorrie: Allow me to reveal how un-hip my husband and I are. We couldn't translate what all those screaming girls her saying when they introduced that boy band. My husband asked, "Is that Menudo?" And for a split second, I thought it might be.

Chuck: The USC Trojan Marching Band's rendition of “I Am Your Brother” is their best work since they joined Fleetwood Mac on “Tusk.”

Lorrie: I concur. Now about the fact that the producers allowed this weird little man to perform in front of this huge audience: don't they realize that when they let people like this come on the results show, and they give them a freaking marching band to back them up, they only encourage others who are straight-up, bitch-kittens crazy to show up for the auditions next year?! Oh wait. That's intentional. I get it now.

Chuck: The band you thought was Maroon 5 singing with Archuleta was actually One Republic. After it was over, it really was too late to apologize.

When they cut to Archuleta's grandfather I thought he was going to say, “Suck it Osmonds. Here we come.”

The less said about Jordin Spark's dress the better.

Lorrie: Oh, no you don't. I won't be denied my remark. Jordin went to the ugly side of her closet to get dressed tonight. Gold lamet? Puh-lease...

Chuck: Do you want to know they had that Gladys Knight and “the Pips” skit? Tropic Thunder

Lorrie: I loved that skit. Jack Black can just stand there and blink his eyes and have me howling.

Chuck: When did sweet farm girl Carrie Underwood become Tammy Wynette?

Lorrie: Few of you viewers know this, but Carrie Underwood actually was going to dive off the balcony with that parachute that was attached to her sleeves, but she chickened out at the last minute. On another note, did that girl sport some rockin' legs last night, or what?!

Chuck: While the women sang “Faith” all their microphones cut out except for one. I think it was a backup singer. Amanda didn't even bother holding the mic to her mouth.

Lorrie: Amanda Overmyer's voice sticks out as horribly as her hair in this crowd of finalists. They should have just given her some money to stay home from the tour. Everyone else just makes her sound like utter garbage.

Chuck: Paula cried while George Michael sang. She remembered when they used to be popular.

OK, it's time to announce I was shocked, shocked! For weeks Lorrie pushes for the David2008 robot and at the last minute votes for David Cook? It had to be millions of people like her switching at the last minute that made the difference.

Lorrie: I feel kind of bad about my sudden presto-switcho-chango. Now poor Li'l David is gonna be on restriction when he goes home for losing. I can hear Daddy Dearest now: "Second place is the first loser!"

Chuck: I loved how Cook's tears barely contained his muttering, “They own me. They own me!”

I've really enjoyed writing these columns with Lorrie. Still, I'm looking forward to simply watching true talent on TV: So You Thing You Can Dance? starts next week!

Lorrie: Well, Chuck, I'm shocked at the results and bordering on weepy, because we've come all this way and now our dueling blogging has come to an end. What say we blog about Wheel of Fortune next week, for old time's sake?

More insight on the CSX deal

In my routine perusal of local blogs this morning, I came across Julie Townsend's post on the Downtown Lakeland Partnership blog. This particular post is a response/clarification to a recent article that appeared in The Ledger about the future of the CSX project.

In my opinion, there are few people outside of government officials who appear to be as well-versed on this issue as Julie. If you have any opinion on the CSX issue, you owe it to yourself to read her post, titled CSX Q&A in The Ledger.

Remember, the CSX project is not a done deal. Right now, we all have a bit of breathing room in which additional informaton can be gathered and perhaps Lakeland's voice can finally be heard on the same level as the voices in Orlando and Winter Haven.

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- Grand Finale

Chuck: Right off the bat I'm going to tell you David Archuleta will be announced as the winner Wednesday night. That said, he didn't earn it.

A consistent, solid, middle of the road performer doesn't embody “American Idol.”


David Cook also should not win American Idol. He took a dive. A smart dive.

What's a poor public to do?

I can tell you what will happen. David Archuleta will win and his first album will sell well, and in three years he'll sing at the end of an AI finale while behind him the producers show video of that season's losers.

Lorrie: Don't forget the part where David Archuleta eventually will rival Britney Spears with his nervous breakdown. The only thing that will keep him from stealing her Crazy Crown will be the fact that he refuses to marry K-Fed.

Chuck: David Cook will have a solid, though not high-profile, career as a singer.

Let's get ready to.....grumble....

Lorrie: I would like to let the readers know that I concur with Chuck's prediction that David Archuleta will win, despite the fact that for the first time this season, I voted. For David Cook. 117 times.

Ryan started off the evening as star of The Captain Obvious Show by asking Randy, "What's it gonna take to win this competition?"

Uhhhhh, duh, Ryan...more votes than the other guy.

• Round One or Clive Davis Picks Songs to Make You Wince

Chuck: The first good news for the David2008...four hours of voting. His fans have much more stamina.

The first bad news for the David2008? His comment that “I'll keep on doing what I've been doing.” Duh. You're Johnny One-Note. What else can you do?

Simon's advice is to hate your opponent. Both Davids immediately ignore Simon's advice.

Lorrie: That's an understatement. Did you notice how the Davids did everything short of having a smoochfest on stage?

Chuck: David Cook led with “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.” The bad news..he wasn't as good as Bono. The good news? He wasn't as bad as Sonny Bono.

Lorrie: U2's Joshua Tree was among the first albums I bought as a teenager, so I've always liked this song. I loved what DC did with this song. You still knew what he was singing, but if you're familiar with it, you could pick out the areas where he changed things up a bit.

This guy has got IT. A Class A performance.

Chuck: Randy Jackson thinks it is 2007.

Lorrie: I'm glad you caught that, too. I thought I was going crazy.

Chuck: Paula thinks it is 1987. Simon thought it was phenomenal.

Lorrie: Someone needs to tell Paula that her writer is NOT on her side. First performance of the evening, and Paula was off to the races with her cheesy-ass comments, telling DC, "You may not have found what you're looking for, but we have."

Hee haw. That's good stuff.

Chuck: David Archuleta sang “Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” He was more animated than ever this season. He took the song down gospel lane. He still couldn't leave his eyes open.

Lorrie: A great choice for Li'l David. Heavy-breathing, lip-licking DA did a good job on this song tonight. This is certainly his style of music. And Chuck, DA can't help that he has squinty little eyes!

Chuck: Randy thought it was flawless. Paula was never heard as Randy kept muttering “Crazy” as she spoke. Simon told him it was the best he'd done so far.

Lorrie: Actually, Paula was heard muttering her lame one-liner: "The sun is never gonna go down on you, David."

Come on! You couldn't see these things coming any better if there was an air traffic controller onstage guiding them into the microphone.

Did you get a load of DA mouthing "Oh My Gosh.." after Simon's comments? He wasn't surprised by Simon's comment. As the camera panned away, there was relief on his face as he whispered "Daddy's not gonna beat me tonight!"

Finally, can I just ask you, Chuck? What's up with the boxing references? I'm going to have to declare a personal moratorium on use of the word LAME in this post.

• The New Song Contest Contestant Choice or “All the songs sucked and we didn't want to pick one.”

Chuck: David Cook picked Dream Big, a song that uses his voice, wasn't repetitive, and had a rocker vibe. In other words, a stupid song choice.

With the New Song all that matters is that it repeats the chorus five times and sounds upbeat.

Lorrie: The New Song also has to be hokey as all get-out. Don't forget that requirement!

Chuck: Randy thought Cook sang his face off. Paula started talking and I drifted off.

Lorrie: Allow me to fill you in on Paula's comment. Paula started to say, "David, I hope your dreaming big because..." Then she was interrupted by Simon, who wrapped his fingers around her neck in an attempt to choke her to sleep and end my misery.

Chuck: Simon said the song was a lightweight. It was. That's why David Cook picked it. Winning AI would be poison for his career. He had a choice: win and be stuck in a contract that would strangle him, or get second and have the freedom to make the album he wants to make.

David Archuleta sang “In This Moment” As he sang I wrote, “In this moment I need five shots of tequila.” I fear it wouldn't have been enough.

Lorrie: That's funny, Paula said the same thing!

Chuck: But it was the perfect song for the show. It was repetitive. He sang the same thing over and over. If you missed it, he sang it again. In other words, he sang exactly what an audience wants out of the new song.

Nothing new.

Randy loved it. He worked with Journey. Need I write more? Paula said something. I saw her lips move. Simon loved the egotistical lyric.

Lorrie: My only note from this song was that to me, poor, poor Li'l David looked simply dazed...stunned...bordering on paralysis.

Chuck: Round two was to David2008. He obviously was, as Randy loved to say, “In it to win it.”

• the Final Round or When David Cook Guaranteed He'd Lose.

Chuck: David Cook didn't pick a song he knew the audience had loved. He spent two minutes displaying the kind of music fans can expect to see on his album. Please note that people who vote on AI rarely buy the albums.

In case you wondered about the lyrics for Cook's song, I'll sum it up: a disillusioned man considers suicide. Known in film circles as “The Feel Good Hit of the Year!!' Known on AI as Second Place.

At the end David Cook cried. Paula cried. People who had bet on Cook cried.

Simon suggested David should have sung “Billy Jean” or “Hello.” Cook responded, “Why? To win and get stuck with that oppressive contract? You're crazy.”

Really. He said that. Check your DVR.

Lorrie: I've enjoyed how DC continued to push himself and take chances, while DA lames out with a stunning- but repeat- performance of Imagine.

Paula, the bouncy bobble-headed doll, jumped out of her seat at the end of the song. Surprise.

DC tried to lasso in a few more votes by shedding a couple of tears.

Paula told DC, "You're standing in your truth." Paula! WTF!!!

After Simon's suggestion that he should have sung Billie Jean or Hello, DC stood up for himself and said for him, this season has been about progression...why should he do a song he's already done?

Kudos to DC, but I hope he was watching his back after the show, because Daddy Dearest Archuleta probably tried to jump him for that comment.

Chuck: David Archuleta sang “Imagine.” Now, I love Imagine. My license plate says “Dreamer.” And John Lennon never wrote “Take my hand and join us.” I closed my eyes and imagined I'd never again have to hear Archuleta sing.

Randy crowned David2008 as the winner. Paula was thankfully left speechless, and Simon called it a “knockout.”

I'd have to agree. But it was a Technical Knock Out as Cook threw in the towel. Since the audience will vote on the performances of the finale, and not the whole season, they'll vote David Archuleta as the winner.

Even David Cook wanted that. Check the tape. When Ryan mentions tuning in Wednesday night to see who won, Cook stands back and points to Archuleta.

Lorrie: Tune in tonight for the results show!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

American Idol Top 3 Results Show Recap

Chuck: I've got nothing.

Lorrie: Well, let me share this, then- sYESha is at the courthouse today changing her name see this one coming...sNOsha. I wish we could take pride in our accurate prediction, but this was like shooting fish in a barrel, y'all.

Chuck: Seriously, after all these weeks it's down to two.

Tuesday's show almost put me to sleep. Then I had to spend an hour Wednesday watching the same scenes three times: contestant goes to home town, politician tries to get camera time, contestant sees lots of kids at mall and cries.

I cry myself when I see that many people at Brandon mall. Of course, Christmas always makes me emotional.

Let's see....Fantasia sang. Well, whatever it is she does.

Lorrie: Again- shooting fish in a barrel- but what the heck was up with Fantasia? First of all, she looked like a match stick (a thick matchstick) with that day-glow red hair.

Then there was the dancing...I swear, she looked like an African tribeswoman with some of those moves. And, she had Black Gilligan up in the balcony accompanying her. I expected to see Reuben Studdard walk out at any second dressed like The Skipper.

Chuck: Then we had to watch the "you're going home" tape for each contestant.

Did you notice that the tape of David Cook showed him in line with his brother? In line, Cook has normal hair, but by the time he gets to sing for the judges he has some red dye on his forelock.

Lorrie: I missed that. I must've been knee-deep in a yawn at that point.

Chuck: I love how sYESha dropped her smile and happy attitude like a guillotine when Ryan said she was going home.

Lorrie: That's because she was fuming over how her dad tried to steal the spotlight while she was home by telling America about how his baby girl's voice keeps him from going back to drugs and alcohol.

Chuck: Next week it's David and David. Welcome to the Boomtown.

Points if you get that reference.

Lorrie: Dang it. No points for me.

Chuck: I'm going to spend this weekend watching Marx Brothers movies to get my funny back.
You can't fool me. There's no such thing as sanity clause.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Top 3

Chuck: You're wondering why they didn't just declare a winner after last night's American Idol. That is, if you watched the show last night, and if you didn't --- why are you reading this? If you're looking for humor, try here.

Last night we learned that Randy is a belt and suspenders kind of guy. Paula's new writer doesn't really care for anyone, and Simon is, wait for it, the only person on the show who believes in its premise.

Lorrie: Remember earlier in the season, when we were happy and carefree...cracking jokes and getting a cheap laugh here and there? Well, gentle readers, after last night, I feel like I'm just ready for this ride to be over.

Here we are in Top Three Land and I wasn't blown away by any performances last night. To be sure, I agree with Simon that David Cook won the evening. I still think he will win the show.

Ho hum...on with the review:

• The Judges Pick
Chuck: We learned retired major league baseball star Rollie Fingers is the mayor of Who Really Cares, Utah, David A's hometown. He's the only contestant not to get his judge-picked song by text message. I'm assuming his father won't let him read.

Lorrie: Chuck, only good boys get cell phones with texting capability. Little David has not been a good boy lately, according to Daddy Dearest.

Chuck: Paula picked Billy Joel's least remembered song. Appropriately enough, I don't remember David A's performance. My notes simply say, “He bends over in pain and the audience mistakes that for emotion. They clap.”

Lorrie: Be happy, Chuck...I will say, for the first time this season, I thought this performance was B-O-R-I-N-G. And as usual, Simon was the only one to speak any truth into the situation with his comment that the performance was "predictable," "good," but not "great."

Chuck: Randy Jackson also said David A's performance was predictable.

Speaking of predictable, Jackson picked If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys for sYESha. In a bold move, sYESha played a tape of Key's singing the song and lip synced. Jackson said it was HAWT!

Lorrie: I agree. There was not one element to this song to differentiate it from Alicia Keys' version- accept that it was performed by a lesser vocalist than Alicia. Here's the deal: I get it- sYESha is a very good singer, and apparently a decent actress. But once again, if you're gonna try to out-Alicia Alicia, you better brang it. And, once again, sYESha just couldn't deliver that tall order.

Chuck: It's difficult to do a song that's so identifiable with the artist, Paula said. Simon was right that she didn't change it up enough to make it different.

David Cook was thrown a curveball when Simon picked “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack for the rocker to sing. At least Cowell was trying to get his singer to show the range of his talent.

Lorrie: This is an amazing song and I agree with Simon that it is one of the great songs of all-time. So why does Simon give David Cook an old standard like this, yet dog on sYESha for choosing to sing another old standard- "Fever?" (We'll discuss this later, Y'all. Hang tight)

The answer is simple. David Cook is capable of taking a song that many, many people know and love, and making it fresh. Different. Shiny. New. He can show some originality.

Note to the other contestants- you can't show what you don't have.

Chuck: Simon was right..Cook was the best of that round.

Lorrie: I didn't write Randy's snide comment to David in my notes. However, I wrote this: Randy, shut up. A-hole.

• The Contestants' Pick

Chuck: Since David A.'s father wasn't allowed backstage Archuleta the Younger was forced to read smoke signals his father sent from a burning car on the LA Freeway. Unfortunately, the smoke signal was partially lost in the haze and the young son only caught part of the title “I Only Want to be With You.” Instead of Dusty Springfield, Archuleta sang Chris Brown's “With You.”

I wasn't with him. David One Note will be in the final...and the 14-year-old girls might even vote him the American Idol. If so and he hits the road with his dad, he'll have a life of Amy Winehouse proportion. Not a career. A life.

I won't say he sounded like an Osmond singing Snoop Dogg, but David A learned he should run away from any song that includes the lyric “I need you, Boo.”

Lorrie: There's just something that makes me want to guffaw when I hear David sing anything about "my boo" in a song. He's the whitest white boy around.

Speaking of racist stereotyping, what up, Randy?! He said hearing David sing about "my boo" wasn't believable. How so? David could have a "boo." If his daddy said it was OK, he most certainly could have a "boo."

Chuck: In order to prove she is a hip contestant, sYESha picked Fever by Peggy Lee – a song familiar only to those who need a hip replacement.

Lorrie: Easy... I knew that song.

Chuck: My wife's sole comment on the night: Why couldn't she find a bra that fit that dress?

Lorrie: Here's my sole comment for this performance. What is with sYESha's faux southern accent prior to performing?? It was irritating the crap outta me. And giving me the vapors.

Randy didn't like the performance. Paula was surprised she picked this song and wasn't sure it showed "who sYESha is as an artist." Simon thought she would later regret the choice, because she chose not to prove she's a contemporary artist.

I have news, judges. It doesn't matter what song she chose, Ol' Girl is headed home tonight.

Chuck: David C. sang Switchfoot's song “Dare You to Move.” I dare you to remember the lyrics to that song.

Lorrie: He sounded like he was screaming through parts of this song.

Chuck: This round proved that none of the final three should be allowed to pick their own songs.

• The Producers Pick

Chuck: This is always the segment where the producers attempt to sabotage all except their chosen Idol.

David A. is forced at gunpoint to sing Dan Fogelberg's Longer. I'm just glad Fogelberg didn't live long enough to hear a child sing “Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow.” The kid hasn't been alive long enough for Cheetos to spoil, let alone to see pages yellow.

Lorrie: I lost my fascination in Li'l David tonight. I predict this boy is going to have a complete meltdown before he's 21.

Chuck: It's obvious where the producers believe sYESha's talent lies. They gave her a song used in a Wheat Thins commercial. She would have been better off singing Fever again. After all, her hip replacement fans would have forgotten she had already screeched her way through the song.

Lorrie: Eh. It was a'ight.

More surprising than the song was glassy-eyed Paula telling sYESha she doesn't know if it was going to be good enough to get into the finals. Paula isn't supposed to speak the truth! She's supposed to tell contestants what a great job the Glam Squad did with the contestants' hair and makeup each night!

Chuck: David C. sang “I Don't Want to Miss A Thing.” Penned by Diane Warren originally for Celine Dion, and made popular by Aerosmith as the feel good hit from the soundtrack for Armageddon.

At least he tried to mix it up a little.

Lorrie: I thought it was good, but I wasn't blown away. Diane Warren wasn't wretching while he sang it, so I consider that a ringing endorsement.

Who's going home?

Chuck: sYESha and it has nothing to do with talent. She just didn't come across as “warm” when she needed to be.

Lorrie: sYESha, pack those bags!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Wipe Out- More Adventures in Bike Riding

I don't consider myself a klutz by nature, but I have my moments. And when I do, well, let me just tell you: they are LEGENDARY. And VIEWED BY MANY.

While riding bikes with my husband Saturday afternoon, I had one of my moments. At Lake Hollingsworth. Where, like, 75,368 people walk, jog, skate, drive, etc. per day. Only this day, I'm sure that number was even larger, because I tend to command quite the audience when I mess up.

We were headed downhill on one of those streets between Lake Morton and Lake Hollingsworth. On the downhill headed to Lake Hollingsworth, I realize (too late) that I'm going too fast to make the sharp left-hand turn to get on the bike path.

I hit both my brakes to get things under control again. That did NOT "get things under control." It made my back tire come off the ground and for a nanosecond, I was balancing on my front tire.

Suddenly, my bike had this apparent flash of reality. If bikes could think, I imagine mine was thinking, "Hold up! I'm not a unicycle!"

And at that point, it decided to fling itself onto its side.

I determined I wasn't going down without a fight. I had this Carey Hart moment, where I thought I could ride this thing out. You know, take second, lean back, get the back tire to love Mother Earth once again.

Instead, I went all Cirque de Soleil on the situation- minus the graceful landing. After some weird contortions, I realized there was no getting out of a complete wipe-out. So I surrendered the handle bars, threw out my hands and landed on my hands and knees- all while remaining precariously wrapped around my bike in pretzel fashion. I lost a shoe, scraped my pride and bruised myself pretty darn good. One bruise is shaped like a baby's foot, minus the toes:

Thursday, May 8, 2008

American Idol Top Four Results Show Recap

Chuck: Tonight I decided "no notes." I just let the glory that is American Idol Results Show wash over me.

I need another rinse to get off the soap.

• Paula made sYESha cry by being in tune with her feelings. How saccharin.

• In his short review segment David A again proved the A doesn't stand for Articulate. Lorrie, why don't they end the farce and just let him wear a headset so dad can tell him what to say?

• Listening to the final four sing "Reelin' In the Years" it was painfully obvious David Cook was the best singer of the bunch.

• And that sYESha was second best.

• And that David A has only one dance "move."

• And Jason has none.

• Iron Man is a pretty good movie.

• We learned that a million votes separated first from second, and another million between second and third. That means David Cook had only two million more votes that sYESha. That will make next week's vote very important for David A.

• I fear his dad will rush the stage when David A is voted off.

• Jason was disinterested in performing his swan song. Even the director let it peter out.

• Bo Bice looked back in form after his illness. I'm guessing he did. I had forgotten what he sounded like. Wait, come to think of it. I have already forgotten again.

• Unfortunately, I remember the questions were stupid. No, first kiss questions for Simon. Could we have them line up whoever gave Paula her first drink, and Randy his first opportunity to say "When I worked with...." I am so sure those questions would be interesting.

• Maroon Five is still around?

• Next week they sing three songs each. sYESha will sing "Tomorrow," "Bye, Bye, Birdie" and "The Worst Pies In London." David A is going to sing "Midnight in the Oasis," "Escape (the Pina Colada Song), and "Sexual Healing." David C is going to do a bluegrass version of "Purple Haze," "Black Hole Sun" on kazoo, and an acid rock version of "Puff the Magic Dragon."

See you there.

Lorrie: way could I break up those bullets. Great stuff! So here's my two cents tacked onto the end.

I really dislike the choreography the singers have to do on results night. I'll just say a big "ditto" to all of Chuck's related bullets above.

As cute and sweet as David Archuletta is, the whole "Golly, gee, shucks, Ma'am" routine is gettin' on my last nerve. And why is it that when I hear him speak, Kermit the Frog comes to mind?

"Hi ho...David Archuleta here..."

Even my mama, who doesn't watch American Idol, could have predicted that both the Davids would be safe.

Now, can we please talk about the Ford music videos? Let's say it all together, boys and girls:


The Ring of Fire was the worst yet. Why is this fiasco necessary each week?

During lame question time, Jason Castro finally 'fessed up to the dope use- his biggest challenge to overcome was his "brain being dead."

And now we get to guest performances...Maroon 5, it was a'ight.

Bo Bice- here's a little lesson in rock-n-roll, boys and girls. Any time you see one musician in front of two mics...fear the vocoder. Unless it's Peter Frampton in front of said mics. Then, thou shalt rejoice for the vocoder.

Twice in one season with the vocoder. First from a contestant, now from a former contestant. I ask y'all again: could this season get any stranger?!

The most un-shocking revelation of the night. Jason goes home.

Yeehaw! See ya next week!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Top 4

Chuck: Last night's episode of American Idol proved one thing: America screwed up when they didn't vote for Carly. Given the opportunity to choose from 500 of the best rock and roll songs ever, the final four stumbled, slipped, coughed and choked.

In the opening tease Ryan Seacrest informed everyone that at some point in the competition three of the remaining four had received the most votes. I'll go out on a limb and claim sYESha is the one never to accomplish that feat.

After last night, one of the contestants may be the first in Idol history to get a negative number of votes, as people called in to ask for their previous votes back.

Never so late in the competition has the Idol audience witnessed such a horrible performance as they did last night. It's almost as though someone tanked on purpose.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's American...Conspiracy Theory!

If you watched last night, you know exactly who I mean. And if you didn't...stay with me a minute. Let's look at the final four and their performances. First off, the robot...

• David A: Stand By Me and Love Me Tender
Come on. If anyone at this point doesn't think that poor kid is programmed, you're not watching with your eyes. We all love little lost puppies, but this is ridiculous. I challenge you to watch a tape of David singing Stand By Me with the sound off. Watch the same robot moves, the same facial expressions, as he has given in almost every performance. With the sound on you'll hear the same earnest delivery, the same vocal gymnastics as he gives every week. David A can sing one kind of song, one kind of way. With 500 songs to choose from, he performed the same one twice last night. He just changed the lyrics.

Lorrie: Chuck, say what you will about David, but I don't see him as the "Johnny One Note" you make him out to be. There are lots of singers out there who have a singular style and continue to be popular. Don't believe me? Allow me to provide examples. John Secada. Michael Bolton. Enrique Iglesias.

This boy has carved out a distinct style. There's something about the way he sings that is identifiable. I'm convinced we could hear him on the radio and right away, we'd know it was him singing.

Now...don't take this the wrong way, but if you don't stop putting down my sweet little David...I'm going to punch you in the nose.

• David C: Hungry Like the Wolf and Baba O'Riley
Chuck: Last night David Cook gave me one of my favorite moments in any Idol season ever. But first I have to ask, "Hungry Like the Wolf? WTF?"

Hearing David pace the stage singing "Do, do, do, do, do, to, do, to, do do" was cringe-worthy at best. Bruce Campbell did a better job with the song.

Lorrie: Good song- when Duran Duran does it- but I didn't hear anything particularly special in it tonight. David's "I-just-swallowed-barbed-wire" rasp in his voice didn't work with this song.

But even though this wasn't an Idol-worthy performance, I have to give David props for evoking the cheeseball comment of the night from- shocker- Paula.

"Your hungry like the wolf rendition leaves me with a big appetite."

Uh, that was my first WTF moment of the night.

Chuck: It was David C's second performance that gave me my favorite Idol moment. In his pre-performance tape he announced he was going to sing the Who's Baba O'Riley.

As the camera went to him live the audience sat in stunned silence. You could practically hear 5,000 minds thinking, "The Who's What???"

Then he sang "Out Here in the Fields" and the cool members of the audience went "Oh!!! That one!" But the majority of the audience still didn't get what song he was singing until the lyric "It's only teenage wasteland!"

That stunned silence was priceless.

Lorrie: It's a beautiful thing when, five words into this song, I had goose bumps and I knew this performance would be great. What an awesome version of a classic rock song.

And thanks again to David, for ushering in the second WTF moment of the night, again with a Paula comment:

"I'm really humbled to sit here and watch your soul."


• sYESha – Proud Mary and A Change is Gonna Come
Chuck: Each week the judges dun contestants for giving copy-cat performances. You'd get the impression it was worse than flubbing a line. Except last night when Randy and Paula ignored that sYESha had just given a poor Tina Turner impersonation. Simon called it a "bad shrieky"
impersonation. I have to agree with Simon.

Lorrie: sYESha has fallen victim to taking the judges' comments too literally. Since she has been told about how sexy she loooks and how she could be on Broadway, she has become intentional in her song selection by choosing songs that practically require some acting and choreography. Now she's looking for a dramatic flare to everything.

But let me tell you sister- if you're gonna attempt to out-Tina Tina, you had better brang it. And you didn't.

BTW y'all, I did not even have to look at the TV to know that Paula would be out of her seat on this performance. She's like the trusty bobble-head doll. Give her a little tap, and she's bobbin' and weavin' like a drunkard. Wait, I think she is a drunkard...did I just type that out loud?!

Chuck: In her follow up, sYESha went for her Fantasia "Summertime" moment. That's the point in American Idol where Paula is so overcome with emotion that she can't speak and merely stands and claps. She made it, but failed to convince Randy.

Lorrie: I like this song, and I think sYESha has a decent voice, but it just seems that when she sings soulful songs such as this, something's missing. I think it's conviction.

On another note, that girl's lipgloss was poppin' last night.

Paula's comment brought sYESha to tears. Could this show get any stranger? Don't be sad, sYESha. Her comments brings me to tears weekly.

Chuck: Any other week, that would have meant a bot for sYESha, but not when you take into account the "song stylings" of Jason Castro.

• Jason: I Shot the Sherrif and Mr. Tambourine Man
I'll start right out and claim Jason's two performances last night were two of the worst for this season of American Idol. There is only one reason he did that poorly. Jason took a dive. You could see his face as he performed the first song, "This is where I do Howdy Doody sings Bob Marley." And he nailed it.

Lorrie: Oh. My. Lord. That was a funny comment. This performance was painful to watch. First of all, could we be anymore predictable? I get it...Jason Castro...dreads...Bob Marley...dreads. Simon was spot-on when he said the only similarity was the hair.

Chuck: He took all the criticism with a smile as if he was thinking, "I'm four spots past where I should have been. I have a ton on money on my going out this week. This is where Daughtry left. Ah, hell, I just don't care dude."

Then, in his final performance, he forgot one of the easiest Bob Dylan lines to remember. I'll remind you: "In the jingle, jangle morning, I'll come following you." You could see the wheels turning, "That'll seal the deal. I am so out of here!"

Lorrie: I realize this may end our friendship, Chuck, but I hate -HATE- Mr. Tambourine Man. It's hokey and corny and for those two reasons alone, I rejoiced at the idea of Jason Castro singing this song. I wondered, "could this be his ticket home? Finally?!" And yes! My hunch was correct!

Chuck: It seems I've agreed more often than not with Simon this year. I'm going to again. When Simon told Jason to pack his bags, you could almost hear Castro think, "Mission Accomplished."

Lorrie: I think you give Jason the Burn-Out way too much credit for being that methodical in his thinking.

I predict Jason's next performance will be in his own living room. He's outta there. And sYESha, you're next, Sweetie!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Neil Diamond Pretty Amazing Grace Lyrics

Everyone is combing the Internet looking for the lyrics to "Pretty Amazing Grace," which Neil Diamond sang on American Idol last night. I found them, so I thought I'd share:

Pretty amazing grace is what you showed me
Pretty amazing grace is who you are
I was an empty vessel
You filled me up inside
And with amazing grace
Restored my pride.

Pretty amazing grace is how you saved me
And with amazing grace, reclaimed my heart
Love in the midst of chaos
Calm in the heat of war
Showed with amazing grace
What love was for.

You forgave my insensitivity
And my attempt to then mislead you
You stood beside a wretch like me
And pretty amazing grace was all I needed.

Stumbled inside the doorway of your chapel
Humbled and awed by everything I found
Beauty and love surround me
Freed me from what I feared
Asked for amazing grace
And you a appeared.

You overcame my loss of hope and faith
Gave me a truth I could believe in
You led me to a higher place
Showed your amazing grace
When grace was what I needed.

Look in a mirror I see your refection
Open a book you live on every page
I fall and you're there to lift me
You share every road I climb
And with amazing grace
You ease my mind.

I came to you with empty pockets first
When I returned I was a rich man
Didn't believe love could quench my thirst
But with amazing grace, you showed me that it can.

In your amazing grace I had a vision
From that amazing place, I came to be
Into the night I wandered, wandering aimlessly
Found your amazing grace to comfort me.

Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing
Pretty amazing

You overcame my loss of hope and faith
Gave me a truth I could believe in
You led me to that higher place
Showed me that love, and truth, and hope, and grace
Were all I needed.

American Idol Top 5 Results Show Recap

Chuck is proud to present to you the results show with bullets! Lorrie will interject wherever she pleases.

• Seven million extra votes. Neil Diamond has that many fans awake that late?

• Cracklin' Rose with Jason Castro. Dude, alcohol is a depressant.

• Brooke and sYESha sing Song Blue. Well, sYESha forgot to come in.

• Both Davids sing Brother Love better than they did their songs last night.

• My wife: "Jason is cracking up again. Who gave that boy drugs?"

Lorrie: It appeared the group performance of the night had the choreographers pulling from the pages of The Brady Bunch's "Keep On Dancin'" routine. Fo' shizzle! Other than that, the group songs sounded like a (CSX) train wreck tonight. It was gruesome to watch. Yet I did it anyway.

Back to Chuck and his bullets:

• In a break from tradition, the recap doesn't show a mishap - Paula's this time.

• Ryan mentions it and adds, "The rumors are not true, she is part of our family and we love her."

• Jason didn't know any of the songs he sang. I'm shocked!

• Brooke says she reached her happy mode last night. That's code for she broke into Jason's stash.

• Natasha Bedingfield performed. I have an urge to listen to Dusty Springfield.

• Questions again?! At least we get a question that trips up Simon.

• The Ford video is "Green-inspired." Boring. My wife: "low energy indeed."

• Neil Diamond sings "Pretty Amazing Grace." You'll never hear that one on bagpipes.

Lorrie: Or on kazoo.

Back to you and the bullets, Chuck!

• No one sits close the David 2000. Robot haters.

• Brooke starts crying before Ryan reads the results. She gets the results and proceeds to butcher I Am I Said. This whole last song thing is silly.

• Next week is Rock and Roll night. sYESha will sing a Broadway tune, David C will sing a rock version of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

The David 2000 performs Mr. Roboto, and Jason will "change up" the Muppet Show theme into a funeral dirge.

Lorrie: I think Jason resembles Janice from the Muppets. You decide.