On that inspiring note...this is your....
Chuck and Lorrie Show.
• Michael "Shields & Yarnell" Johns- Dream On
Sing with me, sing for the year Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears Sing with me, if it's just for today Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away
Not this week Michael. You'll live on for another day even though you sounded like Screech once or twice.
Lorrie: Michael Johns is up first tonight and judging by his outfit, he will be performing pantomime during the commercial break.
I always have liked Dream On by Aerosmith. Michael did a respectable job, but those high notes are reminiscent, once again, of someone's private parts being caught in a vice.
Chuck: The Faint Praise Award of the week goes to Paula for suggesting her dogs would like Michael's performance.
Lorrie: Speaking of Paula, her breasts look as though they are struggling for air in that dress. And, I haven't mentioned this before, but Paula's voice reminds me of someone who just sucked on a helium balloon.
Chuck: Michael spends precious time explaining why he picked the song. The AI singers evidently have been told to talk back to the judges. Except for David A. who has been taught never to talk back.
Lorrie: We cut to a commercial as Michael begins his "stuck in a box" routine.
• sYESha "Call Me Whitney" Mercado - I Believe
Chuck: In an effort to soften sYESha we learn the only person to "get her" was Ramiele. I don't thing hitching your star to last week's news is a good idea. But what do I know? I think sYESha should have done this version of I Will Always Love You
Lorrie: Oh. My. Gosh. That is the best version of I Will Always Love You I've ever heard. Ever.
Chuck: This week sYESha sang a song written for American Idol. Literally. Fantasia
Barrino's "I Believe". It has that AI Kick © . Start slow and kick up the volume and tempo to make the audience react.
Lorrie: Be right back...my water glass just broke when she hit that high note.
Chuck: Since SYESha doesn't seem to connect with the audience she relies on proving her skill. This time with a "Is it Live or Is it Memorex" moment. Paula's dogs are now traumatized.
I can see it in the stars across the sky Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before Now I finally realize You see I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive And finally yeah
This is not sYESha's moment. Bottom Three performance.
Lorrie: Here's a shocker, I find myself disagreeing with Paula tonight. I don't think sYESha made this song her own. Well, unless "making it your own" means singing a substandard version of the original.
• Jason "Ukelele" Castro- Over the Rainbow
Chuck: Jason learned from David Cook's mistake and immediately made sure everyone knew he was doing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole' version of Over the Rainbow
No stoner jokes tonight. Jason lit up the audience. The kid left Paula dazed. Randy was trippin! Simon was, well, dazed.
Top Three Performance
Lorrie: Chuck, you're an idiot.
Just kidding. I've wanted to say that all season, since you can't type back. hee hee
But seriously, did you get into Jason's stash during the commercial break?! This performance had me working hard not to laugh. Ukeleles make me giggle. There's just something about an adult playing such a tiny instrument that I find funny.
As for the overall performance, it was just a'ight fuh me, dawg. I think the judges are getting kickbacks from votefortheworst.com. I can't believe that they liked Jason as much as they did.
Chuck: • Meat Loaf admits his career is over with his Go Phone commercial
Lorrie: I liked that commercial.
• Kristy Lee "Kung Fu" Cook- Anyway
Chuck: If you're reading this column while running on your treadmill, or while driving, please stop. Thanks.
Kristy Lee turned in a performance that doesn't deserve her expected position in the bottom three.
You can pour your soul out singin' A song you believe in That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang Sing it anyway Yeah sing it anyway
Yes, she pandered by singing Martina McBride's Anyway just to sing that stanza. However, she returned to her fighting stance to put in a middle of the pack performance.
Lorrie: Ah, the fighting stance...
Singing a Martina song is, in the country music genre, like singing a Whitney or Celine song in the pop music genre. You better bring- or brang- it, or you're gonna fall waaay short of the original. I think Kristy Lee did not a brang it.
• David "Pompous" Cook - Innocent
Chuck: Look, we know he's hip. He listens to music you and I don't. A song by Our Lady Peace?
And while he wishes he could escape this But it all seems so contagious Not to be yourself and faceless And a song that has no soulLorrie: Shoot...I really didn't like this performance. The low notes had me furrowing my brow.
Chuck: David was quite the showman tonight. Pointing to the sky like Blake Lewis used to do and writing "Give Back" on his hand. (Which was Simon's favorite part of a performance he found "pompous.")
David C. had an off night but he'll survive.
Lorrie: Nice touch with the "give back" on his palm. That will earn him the "cool" vote tonight.
I agree with Randy this wasn't his strongest night. Simon didn't like it either. He thinks it's a "teensy" bit pompous. Again, it's so funny to hear those words coming from Simon's mouth.
Overall, not my favorite performance, but I really think David Cook might win this whole thing, y'all. Love, love, love the jacket!
• Carly "Shamrock" Smithson - Show Must Go On
Chuck: When she mentioned this was her song I hoped she was going to sing Three Dog Night's song, not the one by Queen.
I'll top the bill!As I watched Carly sing I thought "Why must inspiration be so damn depressing?" Since her Spanxs night she has been faltering. I wondered if having Luke Menard in her "family and friends" is an "occurrence of dire portent."
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!
Bottom Three Performance
Lorrie: Going into this performance, I was thinking, "That's a tall song, Little Missy. I hope you can stick it!"
I think she did a good job, even on a song that is not one of my personal favorites. She has the voice to tackle a big song like this.
Here's my Paula moment: Carly looks great tonight! I like that shirt.
Randy "Pitchy" Jackson. Again with the pitchy.
The judges don't feel connected tonight. I think Simon brought up a good point that the song was a bit of an angry performance.
• David "Li'l Cutie"Archuleta - Angels
Chuck: Tell me the AI directors don't try to manipulate the audience. They show him before the commercial with every 14-year-old girl they could find in the crowd.
Lorrie: It's funny how, when David hit the high note, all the girls in the front row looked like seals flapping their flippers in unison. Hey, wait a minute- they're A.I. trained seals! They are trained to wave their hands and clap on command! I get it!
Chuck: This isn't the first time David A. has performed Angels. In his intro he mentioned "the light at the end of the tunnel."
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call she wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
I know Lorrie likes this guy, but he is Johnny One-Note for me. Every week we have the earnest inspirational power ballad. Where is the variety? However, he'll go on. After all, 14 million teen girls can't be wrong.
(Davy Jones, David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman, Leif Garrett , Shaun Cassidy)
Lorrie: Excuse me while I take a moment to swoon at the thought of Shaun Cassidy.
Chuck: Paula seemed concerned that David A. wasn't getting enough sleep. The creepy moment of the night was when the director cut to an eight year-old girl holding a sign that read "Lick Those Lips."
Lorrie: Chuck! That sign creeped me out! Just what did that mean, anyway?!
I liked this performance. I think it was my favorite.
• Brooke "Vapors" White- You've Got a Friend
Chuck: Man did she seem fragile tonight. From the moment she took the stage she seemed on the verge of getting the vapors.
You just call out my nameLorrie: LOL at the vapors. Chuck, are you sure you aren't southern?
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Brooke tried bringin' the flower power tonight, but I'm with you, Chuck, she looked like she lost her little puppy through the whole performance.
Chuck's Bottom Three: SYESha and Carly belong in the Bottom Three tonight. They'll be joined by Kristy Lee though she doesn't deserve the honor. And in a surprise to those left reading, I predict Carly will go home Thursday night.
Lorrie's Bottom Three: sYESsha, Kristy Lee and Brooke. And I'm not apologizing for picking Kristy Lee again. After all, she has her own sign for her Bottom Three chair. Plus, I am putting her there for all of her past trangressions. Not very Christian of me, but I'll deal with that.
sYESha will go home.