Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Finals Week Two

Pre-Show Stuff...
Chuck: "When I get older losing my hair"...no, that's not how the show started. That was me dreaming. I nodded off after dinner. I guess "many years from now" have arrived.

Lorrie: It's Beatles weak. Oh no, gentle proofreader- that spelling is correct. I have the feeling tonight's show is going to bore me into a coma. I predict it will be tough picking a Top Three and a Bottom Three, but fear not- I shall manage.

Chuck: I'm going to try live blogging the show tonight. Lorrie will add her sarcastic well thought out comments afterwards.

Ryan states America demanded we get another week of songs from the "Beatles" songbook. I think America demanded AI not let Kristy Lee sing.

Randy's yawning. He's 64, too. Cue up Vera, Chuck and Dave.

I think they're adding Harrison and Starkey songs so Kristy Lee could sing "Don't Pass Me By."

Oh my god. They are explaining the importance of the Beatles again?!

Lorrie: Here's an interesting aside- If you look closely at the Beatles footage that aired tonight, you can see Chuck as a little boy, screaming right along with all those girls.

Chuck: I can see David A. singing "Within You, Without You" tonight. Bring back the plastic soul, David.

Amanda Overmyer- Back in the U.S.S.R.

Chuck: That's scary. Half the audience won't know Chuck Berry. Another half has never heard of the Beach Boys, and only the Reagan-era conservatives remember the USSR.

Lorrie: I think I'll certify myself as the style police tonight. It makes sense, since I'm a walking fashion icon and all. I think her hair looks the best it's looked this season, and I like her clothes this week. Anyhoo, before even hearing this song, I think this is an excellent choice for Amanda.

Chuck: Amanda is changing the lyrics. "BOFC? Dreadful flight?" Changing gender also. She sounds weak.

Lorrie: You know, sometimes she truly sounds good. Other times, she just sounds raw. Too raw. Hamburger meat raw.

Chuck: This is Georgia Satellites Sing the Beatles. I would like her to go further in this competition than I think she will. She's one of the few who fits the "amateur" aspect of the show. Randy and Paula think she's 7 out of 10 and Simon thinks she was worse.

Lorrie: Paula wants to see Amanda do a ballad? Lord, help us all if that happens. She simply doesn't have the voice for it.

Chuck: Someone convinced Amanda to speak back to the judges. Simon doesn't like it.

He thinks she's jumping the gun talking about selling tickets to a bar show in Lafayette, Indiana, but she sounds like she has a realistic view of her chances. John Mellencamp started by selling out bars in Seymour. Well, she's no John Mellencamp. Never mind.


Kristy Lee Cook- You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Lorrie: I recommend hiding it where you stowed your talent- not a soul in this world has found that yet. I'm being harsh. She has talent, but she's good, not great.

Chuck: She says she picked it by the title alone?! She heard it only for the first time that
day?!

Lorrie: I cringed when I heard her saying this, Chuck. I had visions of you coming unglued over those comments.

Chuck: She's doing a lounge version! The crowd is shocked silent! She tries to inject the patented AI up tempo kick halfway through the song. But she isn't powering it.

Lorrie: She is soooooooo going home tomorrow night. I hate this musical arrangement. Chuck, she's in her fighting stance again.

THE BEATLES THING IS "KINDA NEW" TO HER?! God, shoot me now.

Chuck, it's obvious she's not reading our blog and she didn't get your memo about how you should never admit that.

Who told that girl to wear a Glad Forceflex bag as a dress tonight?!

Chuck: Simon says she's not a good performer. The same person who convinced Amanda to talk back, also got to Kristy Lee. She tells Simon she can blow his socks off.

I don't think she could blow her nose with conviction.

Lorrie: And that is the point where I want to crawl under my couch. She sure is committed to claiming her weekly real estate onstage among the Bottom Three.

David Archuleta- The Long and Winding Road

Chuck: David brought up his lyric flub and they're rubbing his nose in it again.

Lorrie: Here comes my fave! Awww, he borrowed his daddy's polyester coat for tonight's performance. David doesn't just sing- he can SANG (this is said in my deepest, proud mama, southern accent while waving a hand fan).

Chuck: "The Long and Winding Road." The long and safe version. He hasn't walked down more than a short dead end. He's 17! He can sing, but I don't believe him and these lyrics.

Lorrie: I don't love this song, but I love me some David Archuleta.

Chuck: Simon thought he was amazing. Well, baby, I'm amazed Simon thought that.

Lorrie: Paula thinks this was his best performance?! It's official- this bitch is on drugs. Paula, go crawl in the pill bottle. Chuck, I hope people get your "baby, I'm amazed comment." Half of last night's studio audience would not.

I have to say that at this point, I'm really bored with tonight's show.

Michael Johns- A Day in the Life

Chuck: Michael is doing A Day in the Life? Which part? Lennon's? McCartney's? Evidently he chose to go with George Martin's part.

Lorrie: A day? Really? That felt like he stole a week from me in a minute and a half. That high note in the beginning made my dog bark. And that's not good.

Chuck: Ouch? He blew the note on "Lords." He is trying to sing both the Lennon and McCartney bits. Well, I'll give him points for that. It gives the song that certain bipolar feeling it needs. He messed up the last few lines though.

The director runs tape of David A. from last week.

Lorrie: No matter what he sings, he always reminds me of Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison in The Doors movie. This performance looked like hard work for Michael. It's like he held that mic for dear life.

Chuck: Simon is spot on...it was too complex a song for 1:40.

Lorrie: Shhhhh....do you hear that Chuck? It's The Price is Right Music playing, and- wait a minute- is that? Yes! It's Rod Roddy calling from Beyond, telling Michael to "Come on down!" To the Bottom Three, that is.

Chuck: All of Paula's complaints turn out to be off the mark. She blamed Michael's in-the-ear monitors. He wasn't wearing them.

Lorrie: This is Paula- gah, gah, goo, goo, drool, stammer, stutter, etc., etc.

Pffffffssssst. Hear that? That was a fart. And it made more sense than anything Paula has said all night.

Brooke White- Here Comes the Sun

Chuck: Brooke is singing Here Comes the Sun...and she's all in yellow. Isn't that cute? I'm telling you, if the Beatles need anything to capture the younger audience it is to raise their Cute Factor.

Lorrie: Awwww, she looks pretty in yellow. I really love her voice. Oh, I get it. She's wearing yellow to match her song! Like we couldn't see that one coming from a mile away...

Chuck: No one mentions George Harrison wrote this? Well, I just have.

Sounds ok, but as my wife just said: "She MUST NOT dance." She doesn't. She shimmys like my sister Kate. My dance-challenged sister Kate.

Lorrie: I don't think this was her best performance, but it's enough to get her through to the next round.

Chuck: Randy thought she was never connected to the song. Paula likes her low tones. Brooke immediately decides to sing Muddy Waters next week.

Lorrie: I'm speaking to Paula: God. Shut. Up.

Chuck: Simon thought it was weak. She explains she has a plan. Oh, I get it! She meant to tank this week. I'm surprised she didn't want to sing the David A. version of "We Can Work it Out." That would have been a plan.

Almost to the halfway point and I realize something. These people are not funny. Who has convinced everyone to talk back to the judges? At least we have less of Ryan fighting with Simon.

David Cook- Day Tripper

Chuck: David Cook is doing Whitesnake's version of Day Tripper? It starts with a redhead writhing over a car.

Oh no! Two mics! He's going to use a vocoder!!! Sorry. I'm having Frampton flashbacks.

Lorrie: Chuck, here's where I hate that I'm giving you the first word and I'm taking the last. Now everyone is going to think I'm copying you and that I'm not hip and cool in my own right. This was the comment I wrote last night: "He's goin' all Peter Frampton on that junk!!!!"

Chuck: I watch the song in fear. I stare at the vocoder microphone -- afraid he really will use it. God. He really did. My wife just asked, "Was he actually trying to say something?"

Lorrie: I'm not so sure the vocoder was a good call on this song, but I think this was the best performance of the night so far.

Chuck: Again, they explain the Beatles importance to music. I am in pain. Deep, spiritual pain.

Lorrie: Simon's said something about David looking smug or cocky. Hello, Kettle! You're black!

Carly Smithson- Blackbird

Chuck: Carly sings Blackbird. She's going for a thoughtful, deep sound. The audience thinks she is doing Freebird. They start to sway. Where are the lighters?

Lorrie: Her shirt reminds me of the Rose Parade.

Chuck: The judges will love this. Randy "Another great performance" - Paula gives her an "F" ...for Fantastic? -- Simon doesn't like it. She tries to explain the lyrics to Simon. Lost cause.

Lorrie: Her eye makeup looks so pretty tonight! Randy used the word "cooliosis?" Whatever.

Jason Castro- Michelle

Chuck: Jason Castro is up after the break. Gives me time to....get some Suzy Q's.

Dude. The rest of this review will be mellow. I love you all. I'm high.

A sugar high.

What did you think I meant?

Jason learned French for the song. My French-Canadian wife is cringing every time he sings the French bits. He is doing a bad Maurice Chevalier impersonation. It's like he's singing this at midnight in his dorm room. With a towel at the door jam.

Lorrie: Maurice Chevalier? I was thinking more like Peppy LePew. That hand wavy thingy he just did made me feel embarrased. This performance did nothing for me.

Chuck: Simon says Jason's face sold the song. It sure wasn't the music. He's safe though.

I'm going to listen to the Beatles for a solid week to get the bad sounds of this group out of my ears.

Lorrie: Paula's polka comment actually was funny to me. Dang it! I hate admitting that!

sYESha Mercado- Yesterday

Chuck: She has the key to the song. Scream every SIXTH word. It wakes up the AUDIENCE! She doesn't make it a unique version, but it's better than last week. She's safe this week.

Lorrie: Hey there, Straighty McFlatiron! I like the hair. I don't love this version of this song. Perhaps I can say this, whereas Chuck can't (without sounding like Pervy Perverson): that dress and bra made her boobs look really big.

Chuck: The judges like it. Simon thinks Brooke should have sang that song. Why is the girl on the JC Penney commercial stepping on her birthday cake?

Lorrie: Focus on the Idol, Chuck.

Chuck: Ryan finds Paul McCartney in the audience! No, it's someone's great-grandfather.

Chekezie- I've Just Seen a Face

Chuck: Chikezie claims he is learning harmonica just for "I've Just Seen a Face." I wonder if he can in just a couple of busy days? He starts off way too slowly. I predict he'll speed up the tempo for the famous AI Speed Bump. He pulls up the harmonica. There's your answer. He didn't learn the harmonica.

Lorrie: Chikezie, put down the harmonica and walk away. No! No! Don't turn around and take one last look. Just. Walk. Away.

Chuck: He kicked up the tempo. He's mugging for the camera. He's not singing. This is the multiple personality disorder version of the song. Still, I think he's safe.

Lorrie: I think he's really been the biggest turnaround performer for me. I was eyeing him for a trip home within the first two weeks. Now I don't think that's gonna happen.

Ramielle Malubay- I Should've Known Better

Chuck: Ramiele is singing "I Should Have Known Better." She's pretty weak. No energy. She dances like she's a three-year-old wearing her mom's heels. Her voice sounds country. A little Dolly Parton mixed with Charlie Pride.

Lorrie: I Should've Known Better. You're darn tootin'! The very first word out of her mouth was shaky.

Gosh, it's the "I" - every time she sings it, it's just awful. Hello, Bottom Three.

Chuck: Simon says the singers chose really mediocre songs. Seriously? No, these were mediocre versions of good songs as sung by inexperienced singers.


Chuck's Predictions

Top Three: Carly, David Cook, and the flashback of Brooke singing Let it
Be from last week.

Bottom Three: Amanda, Michael Johns, Kristy Lee and Ramiele

Yes, I can count. It's a very rare tie. I think Kristy Lee is gone.

Please America?


Lorrie's Predictions:

Top Three- Who cares. I'm bored.

Bottom Three- Ramielle, Michael Johns and, of course, Kristy Lee.

This show left me in a bad mood. Perhaps I'll go buy an iPhone and drink a Coca-Cola and I'll feel better in time for the results show.

2 comments:

steve said...

It took me longer to read this post than it did to DVR-scan through last night's show. They all sucked this week. The highlight of the show may well have been the girl on the JC Penney commercial stepping on her birthday cake. And Chuck, I have no clue why either. Weird.

Interstate4Jammer said...

My top two:
--- David A.: OK, it helped that he sang one of my all time favourite Beatles songs. But while it wasn't a great performance, David did well in bringing out some of the emotion of the song.
--- Carly Smithson: No comment here

My bottom three:
--- Kristy Lee: PLEASE...let it be HER this week!
--- David "Do You Feel Like I Do" Cook:
--- Jason Castro: Maybe he would have done better singing the French lyric "Voulez-vous coucher avec mou, ce soir". Oh, that's not the Beatles.