American Idol Finals Week Two- Results

Chuck: Ryan opens the show with a bunch of jibber-jabber. Truth is, I can't find the remote to turn up the sound. I try to read his lips. I think he's apologizing to Yoko Ono & Paul McCartney. Then I believe he says the mentors this year are George Martin, Jim Carrey, Neil Patrick Harris, and Lou Diamond Phillips

I finally get the sound on as the Beatles Medley begins. It sounds like the Beatles Love versions of the songs. High points include the silencing of Ramiele's mic and saving Amanda for “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

Was that a subtle clue?

I'd like to point out that all the talk about Amanda sounding like Janis Joplin is off-base. She's the chiiillld of Melissa Etheridge. Not the one fathered by Crosby, Stills and Nash. Amanda sounds like Melissa Etheridge playing a Harley Davidson showroom.

They insist on playing a recap, even though everyone watching tonight was tortured enough last night. Of course, they show film of David A's flub. From two weeks ago. To make up for that mistake, they show film of Chikezie playing the harmonica. Twelve minutes into the show and even I am starting to wonder why anyone listens to the Beatles.

They're bringing them out one at a time this week. Brooke first. No suspense. She's safe. They send Carley out before Ryan is ready. She's in the bottom three?? America is shocked. I'm shocked. Kat Von D is shocked. They say she's in the bottom three, but you'll notice only the bottom two are told they have the two lowest vote totals. I think they put the third person in just to scare people into voting for her or him.

Lorrie: I agree. This junk is rigged.

Chuck: David A. He's in the top ten. Ho hum. Michael Johns. Zooming through. On his knees. Top ten.

During the commercial I wonder how Carley is in the bottom three? I conclude America hates her because she's Irish. People, we Irish helped build the railroads!

We apologize for that.

Lorrie: SPEAK UP! I can't hear you over the CSX whistle a block away.

Chuck: Cut back from the commercial to a three minute commercial about the commercial. They ruin the Clash's Should I Stay or Should I Go. I recommend listening to Know Your Rights to make up for the pain.

David Cook is next. Top ten. No surprise. Kristy Lee Cook! Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Yes, I begged a TV. I have no shame. It works. She's in the bottom three.

Jason Castro floats to the stage. The Dude is safe. He yells “Tour baby!” Ramiele is up next. Top Ten. Of course, she was going to be safe.

That leaves sYESha, Amanda & Chikezie. My wife predicts Amanda. I predict America's harmonica players banded together to vote for Chikezie...on the condition he plays trumpet next week. I think they'll put Amanda in the bottom three.

Then the I Am Legend DVD commercial states you get to see the version they didn't think was good enough for the theater. I guess that's better than seeing the Charlton Heston version again.

It's question time again! Simon is right. It's a rude question. It's a silly question. They all are. God. But at least Michael Johns admits he peaked in Hollywood.

It's Kellie Pickler. Ryan does a bad joke. Lorrie will tell you about it.

Lorrie: No. I won't. I refuse. But I will say this- Kellie Pickler spent some of her earnings on boobs since her season on American Idol.

Chuck: I call the show and ask if they can go back the question segment.

Kellie sings Happy Birthday, Mr. President to Simon. Wait. I hit the remote to switch to a biography on Marilyn Monroe. I switch back. Pickler's off. Did I miss anything?

Commercials about Idol Gives Back. No jokes here.

sYESha is safe. Who is voting for her? Amanda & Chikeze walk on stage.
Chikeze walks to the couch. Amanda tries to take a stool. Ryan stamps his feet and demands they let him do his job. He opens the card and pouts that Chikezie is safe.

They bring the three to center stage. Ryan simply says, “After the nationwide vote...Carly you are safe." No surprise there. Ryan then announces that Kristy is safe. That Amanda is out.

We hear Lorrie whooping for joy blocks away.

Kristy Lee has officially entered the Sanjaya Zone!

Lorrie: As much as I didn't like Amanda, I liked Kristy Lee even less. I second your Sanjaya Zone motion.

Chuck: Amanda sings out with a reprise of “Back in the USSR.” The band plays six bars of “Jumping Jack Flash” before remembering it's Beatles night.

That's it for tonight. We'll be back next week with a shorter column. They'll get shorter each week as singers are dropped from the show. By the end of the series it'll be six words each.