Thursday, March 13, 2008

American Idol Results Show

Well, gentle readers, Chuck and Lorrie obviously won't be getting side jobs guessing weights, ages or American Idol cast-offs at the carnival any time soon. Last night's results show ended in a way that neither predicted.

Chuck: I am shocked! Shocked! Shocked to hear they plan to butcher more songs from the "Lennon-McCartney Songbook" © ? But, that's news for next week. This week America goes from "Spot on!" to "WTF?"

I'd like to first mention that this post is brought to you by the Fox film, "Horton Hears a Who."

After listening to Jim Carey prattle on, we get a recap of last night's show. The highlight is when the AI director chooses to show David Archletta's flubs like some proud parent pulling out their child's diaperless baby picture to show a prom date. Thanks, Mom.

Lorrie: I couldn't agree more. Granted, he didn't do much right with the song, but did they have to highlight the thing he did most wrong?!

Chuck: We quickly, thank God, jump to the first group. As they stood up, even sYESha knew she was the first to make the Bottom Three © .

We got the first commercial of the year. Those with TIVO hit skip. I'm buying a TIVO before next week's show.

TIVO is a proud sponsor of this post and the Fox film, "Horton Hears a Who."

Lorrie: I guess the AI producers finally have caught on that asking singers to perform right after they learn that life as they know is now over doesn't make for the best TV. All that fighting back tears and angst-ridden facial expressions as the credits role is silly. Now the bottom three get to sing once again before learning if they're safe or leaving.

I've never understood the logic behind these moves, other than it provides a full hour of nail-biting suspense and shameless plugs for "Horton Hears A Who." This is what Ryan should say as he introduces the performers who are in the bottom three: "America, let's listen as our bottom three perform the royal screw-ups that got them there!"

I mean, that is why, after all, they're in the bottom three. Why must we here these tragedies again?

Chuck: After the commercial Ryan instructs Chikezie, Amanda, Kristy Lee, and David Cook to stand up. Three of them look at Kristy Lee and immediately sit down. Ryan makes them stand and pretend there is suspense.

Even Kristy Lee tells David he is safe and asks Ryan for the microphone.

Lorrie: Did you get a load of the agitation on Ryan's face when Kristy Lee burst his bubble with that remark? She knew what was coming. The whole world knew it. But Ryan insisted on the game of cat and mouse.

Chuck: She whispers to the mic, "Sorry you have to hear this again."

Lorrie: LMAO.

Chuck: Have you noticed she must sing with one foot forward? My wife thinks it must be her fighting stance.

(By the way, in case you're throwing out which song she could have sang with a country twang..."Don't Pass Me By" was by Ringo Starr...I would have picked "Happiness is a Warm Gun.")

The NRA would like to thank the producers of this post and offer an elephant gun salute to the Fox film, "Horton Hears a Who."

Ryan takes questions from the audience. People, please, asking questions is a job best left to professionals. That was really a bad idea. I'd rather see Ryan and Simon bicker like two Italian women on the front stoop of a brownstone. (Sorry Mom, Aunt Rose.)

Lorrie: Did you notice Ryan's obvious prejudice in selecting which questions to answer? He glossed right over Franny, age 55, from Pootville, WV, to choose only the 20-somethings' questions to answer. This was a stupid addition to the show, BTW. I don't care about hearing questions from America. Just get to the #&$^% results.

Chuck: We finally get to the last group of four. Brooke had to tell David Archuleta to sit down. I'm starting to wonder if Archuleta is snacking on Jason Castro's "homemade" brownies. Of course, Ryan tells Brooke to have a seat and the crowd wondered....was Chuck right and it is David Hernandez, or did Lorrie pull off an upset and it's Ramiele ?

It's David. What? You doubted me? Ok, I can understand that.

Lorrie: Chuck, you predicted the innocent, sweet David, who's working his way through college at the pizza bistro- NOT AT THE GAY STRIP CLUB WHERE WE'VE ALL SEEN PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF THAT HE WORKED- would be in the bottom three, but you predicted Kristy Lee would be going home.

Chuck: Ryan stands with the Bottom Three © and asks Simon if America got it right. Simon looks directly into the camera and in his cathedral voice says, "Chuck got it spot on."

Lorrie: Chuck, your delusions just called. They said they need a vacation.

Chuck: Check the tape if you don't believe me. If he doesn't say that you must have taped the West Coast feed.

Odd, there were less votes this week. Just 29 million. Or roughly the sum total of votes for President in the last three elections combined.

No one is shocked when Ryan sends sYESha back to "sing" for another week.

So who would it be....David Hernandez or Kristy Lee?

Lorrie: I think the gay male contingent is spitting mad at David (as they utter rainbow-colored obscenities and threaten to scratch his eyes out) for denying the whole gay strip club rumor- THAT IS BACKED UP WITH PHOTOS, PEOPLE- and they cast their votes to Ramiele, their favorite fag hag, instead. Yep, I said it. Ramiele got the gay vote this week.

Chuck: The audience is visibly shocked when Ryan tells Kristy Lee to sit down. Even she asks to check the results card. Paula immediately demanded the Supreme Court look into this travesty. Until she realized Mary Wilson stopped talking to Diana Ross.

Lorrie: Have you ever noticed that when the losers are singing, Paula takes on the appearance of a toddler (OK, a pill-popping toddler) in a bouncy chair as they perform? There's something about that glazed, gleeful look in her eye and the way she claps her hands that just screams...straight me.

Chuck: I think so many didn't vote for David because they were mad they hadn't received a complementary lap dance at Pizza Bistro.

I'm off to watch " Horton Hears a Who." See you next week.

Lorrie: Ditto. Chuck, did you take my elephant ears headband again?

1 comment:

Chuck said...

I think 100% for the bottom three is pretty good. How could I know you were war-dialing votes for Kristy Lee?