The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Top Ten

Pre-Show fluff:

Chuck: This week the American Idol singers were to choose songs from the year they were born. Now, you might think that would be easy. However, a few found a way to fudge the rules by picking a song that "charted somewhere in the world the year I was born," "was released by an American Idol favorite on an album you never heard of the year I born", or "was a song my father sang in the shower the year I was born."

No one used the Dominican Pitcher Gambit and simply changed their birth year. As I watched the show all I could think was, "Well, at least I liked the originals of the songs they sang last week." This was a ho-hum night for most of the performers.

Lorrie: Paula Abdul almost didn't make it to tonight's show, folks. She was running late from her day job of artificially inseminating cows. In fact, she forgot to remove her gloves before airtime.

Ramiele Malubay- Alone

Chuck: The best you can say about her performance was that Paula didn't tell her how pretty she looked. The girl was sick. The song was worse; yet 10 seconds into the song the audience is waving their arms like a bed of sea anemone. I see she adopted the Kristy Lee Fighting/Singing Stance © . Simon told her she wasn't as bad as last week. She thought it was a complement.

Lorrie: Y'all, Ramiele is dressed in her Pat-Benetar-Love-is-a- Battlefield outfit tonight! She was a little pitchy, dawg.

Jason Castro- Fragile

Chuck: The Spicoli jokes are easy, but ultimately unsatisfying. The kid is too deep in character to realize he's a caricature. I'm amazed that it took Simon this long to realize Jason is "too laid back." Dude. Seriously. What?

Lorrie: Jason, my grandma called. She wants to crochet a scarf with your hair. Snore....snore...snore...I feel like I might do a face plant into my keyboard at any moment. What is with him wanting to sing songs in other languages two weeks in a row?!

sYESha Mercado- If I Were Your Woman

Chuck: She pulls out the baby scream again. It's the best note of her time. She shows a little 'tude. Do people still say 'tude? I believe the AI audience is programmed to clap when they hear a loud, long drawn out note. If you taped the show go back and listen as she ends the song. You can hear Simon tell Randy to say something. I slowed it down, and played it backwards. He said, "I buried Paul."

Paula then looks at Simon and asked "Do I like her?" (Seriously, listen. She did. No, I'm not joking now. See the parentheses? That means "not joking" like $^$%#& means a comics character hit his thumb with a hammer.)

Lorrie: I thought this was her best performance of the season. America's gonna say YES to sYESsha tonight.

I swear, that baby cry creeps me the F- out.

Chikezie- If Only For One Night

Chuck: He goes against the judge's advice and sings a ballad. Though he sings a long note, the AI staff forget to turn on the applause sign and the audience sits dumbfounded. Randy hits the "old school" button on his voicebox, Simon wakes Paula and she adds, "Throwback." Simon misses Chikezie's personality. I think they accidentally recycled their notes for Amanda.

Lorrie: I like his voice, but he sounds like so many other soul singers out there. I don't think he brings anything new to the table. Still, I predict he's safe this week.

Brooke White- Every Breath You Take

Chuck: Brooke makes a mistake right away and restarts her version of "Every Breath You Take." Or was it a mistake? I say it was a brilliant use of literalness in music. She took a "breath" Get it? A "breath."

In any case, for the rest of the song the AI director played David Archuleta's mistake on a split-screen.

Every judge wished she played the piano without the band for the whole song. Have you noticed how often the judges praise singers who eschew the band? If this goes on I don't see Randy Minor on the show next year.

Lorrie: Holy false start, Batman! She messed up on the first two words! Great recovery, though. This is a pretty version of this song. I love watching her when she sings and plays piano. This was a good performance, but by her standards, not great. Still, she's safe this week.

At this point, I'm starting to feel boredom creep in again. I think if this show doesn't pick up soon, I'm gonna lobby for Chuck and I to start blogging about Wheel of Fortune instead.

Michael Johns- We Will Rock You/ We Are the Champions

Chuck: After Brooke's song, Fox accidentally switched to tape of a pep rally.

Oddly, the judges then praised Michael Johns for singing We Will Rock You/We are the Champions.

This is my "Am I watching the same show?" moment of the week. I rewind. Watch it again. Again I expect Paula to stand and say "We have spirit. Yes we do. We have spirit. How 'bout you?"

Lorrie: Well, as soon as they mention he's going to sing two Queen songs, I know what they will be. It's just like ZZ Top- you never hear "Have Mercy" on the radio on a Two for Tuesday without hearing "Jesus Just Left Chicago" afterward. These songs go together cuz opposites attract. (Sorry, I was having a 1980s Paula Abdul/Scat Cat moment)

I predict the judges will say he shouldn't have performed We Will Rock You. I think the performance sucked.

What the...the audience has gone loopy! It was not all that, y'all. I'm totally lost now that the judges have agreed he was wonderful tonight. I just didn't think this was good.

Mid-column break:

Chuck: Who told each contestant to talk about astrology? Seriously, it's 2008. This is what happens when you don't teach evolution in schools. (Note: Please send all hate letters c/o Lorrie Delk Walker at...)

Lorrie: Is Paula's left eye lazy tonight?

Carly Smithson- Total Eclipse of the Heart

Chuck: The Irish woman sings the Welsh woman's biggest hit as Carly sings Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." That's the best I could come up with. Did you see the performance? Wow, that was tame.

Lorrie: I've always loved this song, even though if you play it backward, it says "cheesy" repeatedly. In fact, I thought Amanda Overmyer might try to sing it one week.

My question is this- why in the world did Carly sing it plain-Jane throughout, and then try to take it to town on the final note?! Too little, too late if you ask me.

Note to Carly- never, ever discuss with Ryan your bathroom habits prior to performing. You're not funny. We don't care. Just sing.

David Archuleta- You're the Voice

Chuck: The best part of the performance was when Simon outed David A. as the child of a scary stage dad, "I don't think that song is you at all. I'd be amazed if you chose that song yourself. "

In case you didn't grow up in the British Commonwealth, the song won some Australian Song of the Year award in 1987. I believe it was up against Milli Vanilli's "Girl, You Know it's True"
I hear both of you wondering, "Wasn't that kid born in 1990?" You're right, but David Foster released the song on his 1990 album, River of Love.

Yeah, I also missed that one.

Lorrie: Chuck, I don't like how you've just pretended we have only two readers. You know that exactly seven people read this blog faithfully each week.

David was a little shaky sounding tonight. He picks too many songs with, like, meaning and stuff. Me no likey. Just be a teenager, David. I hate this song. I've never heard it until now, but I hate it. I do still love his voice, though.

P.S.- I'm calling for a moratorium on the use of the phrase "you can sing the phonebook."

Kristy Lee Cook- God Bless the U.S.A.

Chuck: When running behind, cite God and Country. Simon recognizes Kristy Lee's political savvy, "The most clever song choice I have heard in years."

Paula didn't like the performance. I missed it. I thought it was the 7th inning and they were playing that dreadful Kate Smith song. So I headed for the bathroom.

Lorrie: I wonder what P.O.S. she'll pick to sing tonight. God Bless the USA?!?! Ahhh, geez....I can't hear this song without thinking of my annual 4-H awards ceremonies as a kid, when they would play the slide show and this would be the music.

I just figured out her stance, Chuck. She's practicing for when she gets her very own doublewide trailer and she has to bounce a baby on her hip.

I get it... she's playing the sympathetic patriot card. Here we are, just having celebrated five years in Iraq and 4,000 soldiers dead and she's tugging at people's heart strings. Could this low blow keep her safe this week?

Randy liked it. Are you kidding???!!!

Simon says it's her best performance by a mile.

I feel like I'm in the friggin' Twilight Zone. I check the channel to make sure my dog didn't step on the remote and suddenly I'm watching American Idol Rewind. I cannot believe that she was so well-liked. I'm disgusted.

Never has there been a season of American Idol where I so anxiously awaited the end of the show as I have this week. Oh, wait. Except for last week.

David Cook- Billy Jean

Chuck: David Cook took the song that kicked off a revolution in music videos and made an Emo anthem. I have to publicly admit I simply couldn't believe I liked it. Tomorrow I'm dying my hair black, and wearing it in long bangs over one eye.

(Note: Anyone who has seen me is now hysterically laughing. You may join them. Pick your own reason if need be.)

Lorrie: BRB- I just shot tea out my nose after reading Chuck's comment.

Chris Cornell's version? Never heard of such a thing. But I love Chris Cornell, with or without Soundgarden.

This kid can sing. I loved this version! Top three performance. No doubt. Easily the best performance of the night.

Chuck's Top Three- David Cook, David Cook and David Cook

Lorrie's Top Three- David Cook, sYESha Mercado and Brooke White

Chuck's Bottom Three- Ramiele, Carly and David A. Goodbye Ramiele.

Lorrie's Bottom Three- Ramiele, Chikezie and Kristy Lee. And I will continue to put Kristy Lee in the Bottom Three until America wakes up! In an effort to correct all the wrongs committed in recent weeks, America will say goodbye to all three. I know. But the column's on my blog, so I can write my dreams however I want 'em.