The Chuck & Lorrie Show- Grand Finale

Chuck: Right off the bat I'm going to tell you David Archuleta will be announced as the winner Wednesday night. That said, he didn't earn it.

A consistent, solid, middle of the road performer doesn't embody “American Idol.”

But...

David Cook also should not win American Idol. He took a dive. A smart dive.

What's a poor public to do?

I can tell you what will happen. David Archuleta will win and his first album will sell well, and in three years he'll sing at the end of an AI finale while behind him the producers show video of that season's losers.

Lorrie: Don't forget the part where David Archuleta eventually will rival Britney Spears with his nervous breakdown. The only thing that will keep him from stealing her Crazy Crown will be the fact that he refuses to marry K-Fed.

Chuck: David Cook will have a solid, though not high-profile, career as a singer.

Let's get ready to.....grumble....

Lorrie: I would like to let the readers know that I concur with Chuck's prediction that David Archuleta will win, despite the fact that for the first time this season, I voted. For David Cook. 117 times.

Ryan started off the evening as star of The Captain Obvious Show by asking Randy, "What's it gonna take to win this competition?"

Uhhhhh, duh, Ryan...more votes than the other guy.

• Round One or Clive Davis Picks Songs to Make You Wince

Chuck: The first good news for the David2008...four hours of voting. His fans have much more stamina.

The first bad news for the David2008? His comment that “I'll keep on doing what I've been doing.” Duh. You're Johnny One-Note. What else can you do?

Simon's advice is to hate your opponent. Both Davids immediately ignore Simon's advice.

Lorrie: That's an understatement. Did you notice how the Davids did everything short of having a smoochfest on stage?

Chuck: David Cook led with “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.” The bad news..he wasn't as good as Bono. The good news? He wasn't as bad as Sonny Bono.

Lorrie: U2's Joshua Tree was among the first albums I bought as a teenager, so I've always liked this song. I loved what DC did with this song. You still knew what he was singing, but if you're familiar with it, you could pick out the areas where he changed things up a bit.

This guy has got IT. A Class A performance.

Chuck: Randy Jackson thinks it is 2007.

Lorrie: I'm glad you caught that, too. I thought I was going crazy.

Chuck: Paula thinks it is 1987. Simon thought it was phenomenal.

Lorrie: Someone needs to tell Paula that her writer is NOT on her side. First performance of the evening, and Paula was off to the races with her cheesy-ass comments, telling DC, "You may not have found what you're looking for, but we have."

Hee haw. That's good stuff.

Chuck: David Archuleta sang “Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” He was more animated than ever this season. He took the song down gospel lane. He still couldn't leave his eyes open.

Lorrie: A great choice for Li'l David. Heavy-breathing, lip-licking DA did a good job on this song tonight. This is certainly his style of music. And Chuck, DA can't help that he has squinty little eyes!

Chuck: Randy thought it was flawless. Paula was never heard as Randy kept muttering “Crazy” as she spoke. Simon told him it was the best he'd done so far.

Lorrie: Actually, Paula was heard muttering her lame one-liner: "The sun is never gonna go down on you, David."

Come on! You couldn't see these things coming any better if there was an air traffic controller onstage guiding them into the microphone.

Did you get a load of DA mouthing "Oh My Gosh.." after Simon's comments? He wasn't surprised by Simon's comment. As the camera panned away, there was relief on his face as he whispered "Daddy's not gonna beat me tonight!"

Finally, can I just ask you, Chuck? What's up with the boxing references? I'm going to have to declare a personal moratorium on use of the word LAME in this post.

• The New Song Contest Contestant Choice or “All the songs sucked and we didn't want to pick one.”

Chuck: David Cook picked Dream Big, a song that uses his voice, wasn't repetitive, and had a rocker vibe. In other words, a stupid song choice.

With the New Song all that matters is that it repeats the chorus five times and sounds upbeat.

Lorrie: The New Song also has to be hokey as all get-out. Don't forget that requirement!

Chuck: Randy thought Cook sang his face off. Paula started talking and I drifted off.

Lorrie: Allow me to fill you in on Paula's comment. Paula started to say, "David, I hope your dreaming big because..." Then she was interrupted by Simon, who wrapped his fingers around her neck in an attempt to choke her to sleep and end my misery.

Chuck: Simon said the song was a lightweight. It was. That's why David Cook picked it. Winning AI would be poison for his career. He had a choice: win and be stuck in a contract that would strangle him, or get second and have the freedom to make the album he wants to make.

David Archuleta sang “In This Moment” As he sang I wrote, “In this moment I need five shots of tequila.” I fear it wouldn't have been enough.

Lorrie: That's funny, Paula said the same thing!

Chuck: But it was the perfect song for the show. It was repetitive. He sang the same thing over and over. If you missed it, he sang it again. In other words, he sang exactly what an audience wants out of the new song.

Nothing new.

Randy loved it. He worked with Journey. Need I write more? Paula said something. I saw her lips move. Simon loved the egotistical lyric.

Lorrie: My only note from this song was that to me, poor, poor Li'l David looked simply dazed...stunned...bordering on paralysis.

Chuck: Round two was to David2008. He obviously was, as Randy loved to say, “In it to win it.”

• the Final Round or When David Cook Guaranteed He'd Lose.

Chuck: David Cook didn't pick a song he knew the audience had loved. He spent two minutes displaying the kind of music fans can expect to see on his album. Please note that people who vote on AI rarely buy the albums.

In case you wondered about the lyrics for Cook's song, I'll sum it up: a disillusioned man considers suicide. Known in film circles as “The Feel Good Hit of the Year!!' Known on AI as Second Place.

At the end David Cook cried. Paula cried. People who had bet on Cook cried.

Simon suggested David should have sung “Billy Jean” or “Hello.” Cook responded, “Why? To win and get stuck with that oppressive contract? You're crazy.”

Really. He said that. Check your DVR.

Lorrie: I've enjoyed how DC continued to push himself and take chances, while DA lames out with a stunning- but repeat- performance of Imagine.

Paula, the bouncy bobble-headed doll, jumped out of her seat at the end of the song. Surprise.

DC tried to lasso in a few more votes by shedding a couple of tears.

Paula told DC, "You're standing in your truth." Paula! WTF!!!

After Simon's suggestion that he should have sung Billie Jean or Hello, DC stood up for himself and said for him, this season has been about progression...why should he do a song he's already done?

Kudos to DC, but I hope he was watching his back after the show, because Daddy Dearest Archuleta probably tried to jump him for that comment.

Chuck: David Archuleta sang “Imagine.” Now, I love Imagine. My license plate says “Dreamer.” And John Lennon never wrote “Take my hand and join us.” I closed my eyes and imagined I'd never again have to hear Archuleta sing.

Randy crowned David2008 as the winner. Paula was thankfully left speechless, and Simon called it a “knockout.”

I'd have to agree. But it was a Technical Knock Out as Cook threw in the towel. Since the audience will vote on the performances of the finale, and not the whole season, they'll vote David Archuleta as the winner.

Even David Cook wanted that. Check the tape. When Ryan mentions tuning in Wednesday night to see who won, Cook stands back and points to Archuleta.

Lorrie: Tune in tonight for the results show!