Lorrie: I prepared myself all day to watch 120 minutes of TV to get to what took all of 7 seconds to learn- David Cook is this year's American Idol.
I know, I know...I could've turned on the TV at 9:57 p.m. and seen all I needed to see, but I would've missed Jason Castro's rendition of Hallejuah again. I would've missed Amanda Overmyer singing as though she had a Rottweiler stuck in her throat. I would've missed Donna Summer's bad weave.
I will take this opportunity to explain Randy's wardrobe: he actually was running late from the Off-Broadway production of "I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka!" and didn't have time to change out of his costume before he hit the AI theater.
Chuck: I predict this column will be much shorter than that Love Guru
Lorrie: Somehow, we haven't been very successful at paring this down as the weeks progressed. Why start now?
Chuck: Jason Castro sang again. Well, it went like this, the fourth, the fifth, a minor fall, a major lift, and it was over. Hallelujah.
They spent two minutes on Ford commercial outtakes. And we thought the commercials were bad.
The final six women sang Donna Summer. We learned two things: Nothing in the American Idol contract could force Amanda Overmeyer into a dress and Brooke White dances like a prom queen whose punch has been spiked.
Donna Summer proved she works not so hard for her money by giving her mic to sYESha.
Coke spared no expense and ran a two year old commercial 17 times.
Jimmy Kimmel needs to go back to Sarah Silverman and beg her to write him new material.
David Archuleta's father wouldn't let him sing “Summer of 69.” For obvious reasons.
Lorrie: Why did they let David Hernandez, the not-so-secret-gay-male-stripper, sing the verse about "Jody got married?" He wasn't believable, BTW.
Chuck: Wow, new songs by Bryan Adams, Donna Summer, and George Michael. That's why I listen to those oldies...you know, for the new stuff.
Lorrie: I felt embarrased when the Davids sang Heaven and the David2008 sang "Now nothing can take me away from you." Dude, he totally sounded like he was singing that to DC.
A brief side-note- All these years, I've never realized that Bryan Adams had the Madonna-Gap in his teeth.
Chuck: The best moment with David Cook and ZZ Top was when Cook started the famous ZZ Top knee swing. The guys didn't join in. It's easy to break a hip at that age.
Lorrie: DC did an awesome job with the ZZ Top song. That, by far was my favorite performance of the night. I don't care that they sing some of the most sexist songs ever written, I love 'em!
Chuck: Couldn't you just picture Crosby, Stills, Nash, & White? I want to hear her sing “Tin soldiers and Nixon's coming...”
Did we really need to learn Cook prefers briefs and Archuleta boxers? I hope those Guitar Hero commercials never run again.
Lorrie: I think Daddy Dearest prefers boxers and therefore, the David2008 prefers boxers.
Chuck: Seeing the Jonas Brothers made me long for the days of Hanson. Mmmm- Bop.
Lorrie: Allow me to reveal how un-hip my husband and I are. We couldn't translate what all those screaming girls her saying when they introduced that boy band. My husband asked, "Is that Menudo?" And for a split second, I thought it might be.
Chuck: The USC Trojan Marching Band's rendition of “I Am Your Brother” is their best work since they joined Fleetwood Mac on “Tusk.”
Lorrie: I concur. Now about the fact that the producers allowed this weird little man to perform in front of this huge audience: don't they realize that when they let people like this come on the results show, and they give them a freaking marching band to back them up, they only encourage others who are straight-up, bitch-kittens crazy to show up for the auditions next year?! Oh wait. That's intentional. I get it now.
Chuck: The band you thought was Maroon 5 singing with Archuleta was actually One Republic. After it was over, it really was too late to apologize.
When they cut to Archuleta's grandfather I thought he was going to say, “Suck it Osmonds. Here we come.”
The less said about Jordin Spark's dress the better.
Lorrie: Oh, no you don't. I won't be denied my remark. Jordin went to the ugly side of her closet to get dressed tonight. Gold lamet? Puh-lease...
Chuck: Do you want to know they had that Gladys Knight and “the Pips” skit? Tropic Thunder
Lorrie: I loved that skit. Jack Black can just stand there and blink his eyes and have me howling.
Chuck: When did sweet farm girl Carrie Underwood become Tammy Wynette?
Lorrie: Few of you viewers know this, but Carrie Underwood actually was going to dive off the balcony with that parachute that was attached to her sleeves, but she chickened out at the last minute. On another note, did that girl sport some rockin' legs last night, or what?!
Chuck: While the women sang “Faith” all their microphones cut out except for one. I think it was a backup singer. Amanda didn't even bother holding the mic to her mouth.
Lorrie: Amanda Overmyer's voice sticks out as horribly as her hair in this crowd of finalists. They should have just given her some money to stay home from the tour. Everyone else just makes her sound like utter garbage.
Chuck: Paula cried while George Michael sang. She remembered when they used to be popular.
OK, it's time to announce I was shocked, shocked! For weeks Lorrie pushes for the David2008 robot and at the last minute votes for David Cook? It had to be millions of people like her switching at the last minute that made the difference.
Lorrie: I feel kind of bad about my sudden presto-switcho-chango. Now poor Li'l David is gonna be on restriction when he goes home for losing. I can hear Daddy Dearest now: "Second place is the first loser!"
Chuck: I loved how Cook's tears barely contained his muttering, “They own me. They own me!”
I've really enjoyed writing these columns with Lorrie. Still, I'm looking forward to simply watching true talent on TV: So You Thing You Can Dance? starts next week!
Lorrie: Well, Chuck, I'm shocked at the results and bordering on weepy, because we've come all this way and now our dueling blogging has come to an end. What say we blog about Wheel of Fortune next week, for old time's sake?