The Wednesday Night Board Meeting

The older I get, the more I like my parents. I've always loved them. But I really like them, too. In my 20s, a visit home meant a chance to catch up with friends from school. These days, my friends rarely know when I'm in town because I'm just hangin' with my family.

My dad has been retired for a few years now, but he still keeps in touch with his old work buddies. Not so much by phone; he's not the chatty type. Definitely not by e-mail; he'd kick your ass just for suggesting that he sit in front of a computer and peck out a note to someone. No, my dad and his friends keep in touch in a reasonably formal way. It's called the Wednesday Night Board Meeting.

I have to admit that the first time I happened to be at my parents' house on a Wednesday night, I prepared myself for a Wednesday Night Bored Meeting. But let me assure you, these are anything but.

First of all, I'm privileged beyond words that I even get to attend the occasional WNBM when I'm in town. Typically they are attended by men only.

Secondly, I get to learn things about my dad and his buddies that I wasn't privvy to as a child. The guys love to tell stories on each other. And let me just say right now that the guys already know about this blog, so it should be understood that anything they say within earshot of me is fair game in here. Nonetheless, I will change some names to protect the guilty where necessary.

Also, I must mention that southern accents make these stories soooooo much better, so audio would be great here. However, I'll try to spell phonetically so my Yankee friends will get the point.

On a recent visit to the WNBM, Daddy called out a friend- let's call him Arty- for his recent social faux pas while at a NASCAR event (you didn't think I'd share a story about rednecks that didn't include a NASCAR angle, did you?!).

Daddy asked what might have been an innocent question by anyone else: "Arty, do you need some Depends?" Or words to that effect.

Immediately, Arty gets a sheepish look on his face.

"Alright, I'll admit it. I sharted," he said.

I'm wondering what the heck a "shart" is, but in this group, it doesn't take long to figure things out.

Arty and a group of friends went to see a race at the Daytona Speedway. Shortly after nearly getting into an altercation with a drunk man, Arty sat back down by his girlfriend, gazed lovingly into her eyes, hiked up one butt cheek and attempted to fart, "just to be cute," he said.

I say attempted, because that's not quite what happened. He crapped in his pants. Classy.

So Arty quickly earned himself a new nickname: Arty Sharty.

A couple of weeks later, I found myself at my parents' once again- on a Wednesday night. I'll admit I was excited. I wondered who might top the Arty Sharty story this week.

On this night, a legendary story about my dad beating the crap out of an uncle-by-marriage came up. I've heard the story before, but it's so much funnier when Daddy's redneck friend- who witnessed said butt-kicking-tells it. I suspect he embellishes, but hey, I never let the facts get in the way of a good story, either.

We'll call his redneck friend "Mike."

Mike says he was in the truck with my dad the afternoon they drove up to my aunt and uncle's house so Daddy could have a calm conversation with his brother-in-law on how his sister should be cared for and treated properly.

Let's set the scene: Daddy and Mike are in a 1974 Dodge Power Wagon 4x4. They enter the trailer park (Yeah, I know. No redneck story is complete without a trailer park scene) and drive over the aunt's/uncle's hedge and stop in the front yard, just outside the front door.

This is how Mike describes what happened next: Uncle comes barreling out the front door, shouting, "Hey, you can't drive over my hedge and up in my yard like-"

BAAAAAWOOOP!

That's the sound of Daddy doing an open-handed slap across the Uncle's face. And the Uncle doing a cartwheel as he hits the ground.

"I thought he was doin' sum gymnastics," Mike says of the Uncle. "Yer daddy beat the hell outta 'im."

Then Daddy pipes in with, "No I didn't, I slapped 'im one time."

"What about when you kicked 'im in the hangy downs as he tried to crawl under the trailer?" Mike asks.

Daddy denies that happened. Meanwhile, I'm still doubled over with laughter at the term "hangy downs."

I promise, one day I am going to write a book. You just can't make this stuff up.

Some Things Are Worth Repeating

I'm a writer. I'm comfortable with my style; my abilities. But sometimes, I read things like this and wish these were my words:


I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say-
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.


Words For It
Julia Cameron

The Battle of the Bulge

The Battle of the Bulge is something I've fought nearly all of my adult life. It comes as no surprise that the older I get, the more the bulge gets the best of me.

It doesn't help when you have friends who are 5'8",weigh 112 pounds on a hefty day and wear size zero. Meanwhile I'm too short, weigh none-of-your-damn-business and wear size fat-in-the-ass.

The skinny friend recently went through a bout of uncontrolled weight loss. She was eating like a horse and still losing weight. Well, cry me a friggin' river, I thought. Oh, to have that problem.

But she kept wasting away and frankly, I began to worry about her health. She did, too. We made a trip to her endocrinologist together (she suffers from doctor's office anxiety and wanted some emotional support) and learned that she has hyperthyroidism. This is nothing to fool around with, and I know that.

But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help being jealous. Why does she get to have hyperthyroidism and lose all the weight? Why couldn't I have hyperthyroidism, too?

Now let me just share something about my twisted thoughts. In my mind, I should be able to choose the characteristics of hyperthyroidism that I want. Obviously, I just want the ones that result in drastic, faster-than-the-speed-of-light weight loss. I'll even handle the chronic diarrhea. But you can keep the resting pulse rate of 140 BPM, the inability to sleep and the nagging feeling that your insides are trying to vibrate right out of your body.

Also, in this fantasy world of mine, I could schedule my hyperthyroidism. It would last until I lost the appropriate amount of weight and then it would miraculously go away. I don't think that is too much to ask.

While whining about my weight to a friend this morning, she offered her seven step plan to becoming anorexic. We laughed heartily at the joke, but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't considering following the steps. Not all of them are unhealthy. See for yourself:

The Skinny Girl's Guide to Becoming an Anorexic

1. When you feel hunger pangs, drink water.
2. Cravings typically only last 60 seconds. Distract, distract, distract.
3. Plan errands around mealtimes.
4. Use a small plate, such as a salad plate. Eat on a black plate, if possible and avoid eating on red or orange plates. (She gave a plausible explanation that's too long to share. Just trust me on this one)
5. Chop food into small pieces before eating and put your fork down between bites. Also, eat things that burns more calories eating them than the calories taken in by actually eating the food. Celery is an example.
6. Count how many times you chew your food before swallowing and double it.
7. Exercise daily. For hours.

Every Kiss Begins With K...

After a several-month hiatus, I've decided to started posting on my own personal little ol' blog again. I'll warn you now: it very likely will be sporadic. But here's something I wrote on another site on Feb. 13, that I will share here, just to give me an honest-to-God, up-to-date post:


Valentine’s Day came early for me this year and I can tell you this: the Kay Jewelers commercial is right when it says, “Every kiss begins with K.”

For me, that is “K” as in “Kel-Tec.”

Yes, gentle readers, my darling husband bought me a gun for Valentine’s Day. A Kel-Tec .380, to be exact. And he accompanied this token of his affection with these words: “Honey, this is the finest in purse weaponry.”

Ahhhh, say it again. Romance was in the air. The angels sang. Birds twittered. And then ducked for cover. Would-be burglars ran for the hills. And that damn barking dog next door sensed that something was up and he got a little quieter. Well, for a minute.

This Valentine’s Day, Cupid has nothing on me. My gun can out-shoot his arrow without a doubt. I know. I’ve already fired about 40 rounds of ammunition through it at the Tenoroc shooting range.

I will admit that this definitely is not the kind of handgun you want to target shoot with. It will beat your hand to death if you shoot 40 rounds of ammo through it in 20 minutes. The muscles in my forearm and hand are still feeling the punch this pistol packs.

But I say that’s a small price to pay. After all, we’re talking about having the finest in purse weaponry.

I've Moved!

It's official. I'm discontinuing this blog, as I've moved to a hyperlocal blog: www.lakelandlocal.com.

I believe there's strength in numbers, and I'm happy to be a part of Lakeland Local, which features three other writers besides me. It's flattering to be part of a talented group of writers.

So I hope you'll cruise on over to Lakeland Local and not only continue to read my posts, but those posts by Billy, Darby and Chuck as well.

Tales from the Delk Side is Moving

This is just a quick note to let everyone know that very soon, I will relocate my blog to someplace really cool. Why? Because ALL the cool kids are doing it, duh!

Stay tuned. More to be revealed...

Bright House Customers Can Get In Free At Tampa Yankees Baseball Game

Bright House Networks is offering its customers free admission to a Tampa Yankees baseball game, raffles, door prizes and giveaways for the 8th Annual Customer Appreciation Day.

The event is slated for Friday, July 25th when gates open at 5:30 p.m. with the game starting at 7:05 p.m. at George M. Steinbrenner Field, 1 Steinbrenner Way in Tampa.

Admission to the game between the Tampa Yankees and the Dunedin Blue Jays is free to Bright House Networks customers who present their cable statement at the ticket office for admittance.

There will be lots of games and giveaways, with the grand prize being a trip to Chicago and Wrigley Field courtesy. Second prize is a $1,500 Romance Getaway Travel Voucher.

Vegan/Raw Food Restaurant Coming to Lakeland

I first read about this as a result of my new membership in the Barefoot Gardeners group, but I've since confirmed it: Grass Root Organic Restaurant is opening a Lakeland location in August.

Grass Root is a vegan/raw food restaurant that started in Tampa.

Check out their Web site for more information, which I'm sure will be coming in the next couple of weeks: http://www.thegrassrootlife.com/.

Update: – I just learned that Grass Root will be in the old Petals florist building at the corner of Belmar and S. Florida Ave.

I'm sure the Dixieland neighborhood is happy at the prospect of having another restaurant, especially a trendy one like this! I think it will be a good fit.

Update to THAT update: Petals isn't going anywhere. The restaurant is going in BESIDE the Petals Florist building.

A New Look for Bent's

In case you haven't been inside Bent's Cycling and Fitness in a couple of weeks, the owner took advantage of being closed during the recent Fourth of July holiday to do some sprucing up in the store.

The discolored plexiglass windows in front were replaced, which makes a huge difference as you drive by. Inside, they replaced the carpet, added new two-tier display racks along a wall, replaced lighting and moved all of the clothing and children's bicycles into the back room.

The result is a more spacious floor plan.

On a side note, we see the price of everything going up these days- gasoline, food, electric bills, etc. Well, add bicycles to the list of products that are increasing in price. It could be the increased price of materials, increased demand for alternative transportation, or a combination of the two, but some bikes are increasing by about $50 as the new model years hit the sales floor.

So if you've been contemplating whether to buy a bicycle for your errand-running or workday commute, you'd better act soon if you don't want the purchase to hit your checkbook harder.

I Need Sources For Some Articles

I'm looking for Polk County people to interview for several articles I'm working on. If you fit the bill, or you know someone who would, please email me with your name, the story for which you could be a source and your PHONE NUMBER. I refuse to play e-mail tag with anyone!

I do not use anonymous sources, so unless you can give me your full name and age, there's no need to reply.

Here are the stories:

Cougars and Kittens
There’s a lot of it in Hollywood- younger guys with older women. Think Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; Jennifer Anniston and John Mayer; Linda Hogan and her 19-year-old boy toy.

There's also a lot of younger women with older men. It seems that it used to be more socially acceptable for the guy to be the older of the two, but not anymore. I'm looking for those Polk County Cougars! Do you have a younger man in your life? Do you get mistaken for the grandmother or mother of your younger man? How do you deal with that? What’s the psychology behind seeking and keeping younger mates? Is it really just about the money, which is what's often assumed?

And you younger guys, I want to talk to you, too. What attracted you to your Cougar?

Guys who play video games
Are adult men who play video games long after they have wives and children total losers, or is it OK to play them? How much is too much? Is 3-4 hours a day perfectly acceptable? What do you wives think about your husbands playing video games?

I know there are women out there who refuse to even date a man who admits to playing video games. Is that a deal breaker in a relationship?

Guys: why do you play video games as adults? What are the pros/cons to it?

Boob Jobs
Younger and younger women are getting boob jobs. I need to find at least one teenager who has had a breast enhancement or an adult who had a breast enhancement as a teenager.

Also, I'd like to talk to women who've had breast augmentation in their 20s, 30s, 40s.

Polk County Extension Service Is On The Chopping Block

Ever wondered how to grow blueberries? Been curious about having a Florida-friendly yard? Need a rain barrel, but don't know how to make one? Looking for a way to teach your kids about the value of hard work and its rewards?

You better call the Polk County Extension Service now, because there's a possibility the valuable organizations and information available through the Exension Service won't survive the County Commission's budget-cutting ax. Tampa Bay's 10 has a post on their Web site about what's going on.

The Polk County Farm Bureau also has posted information on the proposal.

If the Extension Service goes away, it will take 4-H clubs, Florida Yards & Neighborhoods and Master Gardener programs with it.

I don't mean to make the BOCC out to be the bad guys here. We're in a lean budget year and the passage of Amendment One means changes have to take place. It's not good for any programs to be cut, because they're all worthy. But as a former 4-H member and a lover of the Florida Yards & Neighborhoods programs, it saddens me to know that they may go away.

If you have an opinion on these proposed budget cuts, I urge you to call and/or email your county commissioners. They need to know how the public feels about these programs.


Commissioner Bob English
863-534-6450
BobEnglish@polk-county.net

Commissioner Sam Johnson
863-534-6049
SamJohnson@polk-county.net

Commissioner Jack Myers
863-534-6050
JackMyers@polk-county.net

Commissioner Jean Reed
863-534-6422
JeanReed@polk-county.net

Commissioner Randy Wilkinson
863-534-6434
RandyWilkinson@polk-county.net

CSX Getting Beat Up In Massachusetts, Too

Poor, poor CSX. It seems they just don't undestand why citizens don't want to be fed garbage politely with a spoon...

If Floridians thought we were the only ones suffering from CSX trying to shove liability down our throats for this commuter rail project, fret no more. They're doing it in Massachusetts, too.

Downtown Lakeland Partnership Executive Director Julie Townsend recently was interviewed by the Worcester Business Journal for an article on the topic. You can read the article here.

Publix Murals

When I think about Publix, I think about this:


The Publix in Ocala where my mom shopped when I was a child had one of these murals. I always associated Publix with the murals- and the S&H Green Stamp store next door.

Recently I rode my bike over to the Lakeland Wabash Publix and took pictures of the mural there. That is (obviously) where these photos came from. I decided I'd better get it done, because it dawned on me that the store had been vacant for so long, and some day, a new tenant might come along and remove the mural. While photographing various portions of the mural, I found the artist's information:

I spoke to Pati today by phone and she informed me that she glazed and fired about 200 murals for Publix stores throughout a 25-year period. Pretty amazing.

What are your thoughts on the murals? Are they a part of your childhood memories, too? Do you think they should be salvaged when Publix stores undergo remodeling or the stores get sold to other businesses?

Kayaking the Silver River in Ocala

On Saturday, Mike and I drove to Ocala to kayak up the Silver River with a friend of mine from high school and several of his friends. This beautiful trip takes you through part of the Ocala National Forest and if you go all the way up the river, you end up at the spring head, which is at the Silver Springs attraction. That's right, you can kayak right into the area where the world-famous glass-bottom boats launch every few minutes.

I won't waste a lot of words in this post. Instead, I'll just tell you that we paddled so far I thought my arms would fall off, but seeing as how I'm typing this, you can guess the arms remain intact. And I'll tell you that you would be hard pressed to find a more beautiful place to kayak in Central Florida than this pristine river. Just look at the color of the water:

These beautiful red flowers, which I believe are in the salvia family, are growing everywhere.

And of course, it wouldn't be Florida without a gator. This one's hiding pretty well:

Hopefully Tom Palmer will comment and tell us what kind of bird this is:

We saw tons of turtles sunning themselves on logs:

One of our rest stops was at the Silver River State Park canoe launch. There are THOUSANDS of minnows that hang around here. My guess is that they stay because they are fed by visitors. These minnows make beautiful shapes while swimming in schools. Below, part of the school broke off and formed a tornado of sorts:

An interesting thing the Silver River is known for is the fact that there are wild Rhesus monkeys living near the attraction. Legend has it that they are leftovers from the days when the Tarzan movies were filmed at the attraction. I can't tell you how disappointed I was that I didn't see any on my trip. But they are there! I've seen them in the past.

Here's some good information if you ever decide to kayak the Silver River. I recommend parking at the Ray Wayside Park on S.R. 40, just east of the Silver Springs attraction. I'm an Ocala native, and we always called this place "the Boat Basin." So if you're in the area and get lost, you better ask for directions to the Boat Basin because a) no one will know where Ray Wayside Park is and b) why give away the fact that you're not from around here?

Bring cash, because parking is $5. There's a great canoe/kayak launch that was designed by an Eagle Scout years ago. When you get into the water, you'll head south and take your first right to head up the Silver River.

For more information on kayaking the Silver River, visit this Central Florida Kayak Trips Web site.

Let Me Go!

I've been spending some time at Gandy Pool lately because it's been hot as a wok around here. Well that, and my latest wild hair is that I've decided I want to become a lap swimmer. Riding the bike and walking is fun and all, but did I mention it's hot as a wok?! Exercise in the pool is right up my alley.

But I digress...

So Mike and I spent Saturday and Sunday at Gandy Pool, swimming laps and getting some sun. It was meant to be calming...relaxing. Instead, I left the pool Sunday with this overwhelming desire to get my tubes tied.

I heard more squalling, screaming, whining and fit-pitching- and that was just the parents. Nah, not really.

One little girl, she couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 years old- practically set off car alarms in the parking lot with her shriek. She did something wrong and her dad was holding her by the arm and walking her back to where she was supposed to be while she screamed as though she were being scalped and howled, "LET ME GO!!!"

"LET MEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"LLLLLLLLET MEEEEEE GOOOOOO!!!"

All the while, I'm thinking, "For the love of God, let her go!"

No, actually, I was thinking, "Beat her a--!"

Is that too harsh? Well, I come from a family where if I was squalling like that for no good reason, my mama would offer to provide said reason.

Actually, I think the parents were doing a fairly decent job with this child. She was wanting to have her way, and they weren't letting her. It was a battle of the wills and the parents were determined to win. For that, I applaud them.

I also want to point out that if a stranger ever tries to grab that child, he/she will rue the day, because Little Girl had some LUNGS on her. Plus, she's got the whole "Let me GO!" routine down pretty good.

Another child, a little boy of about the same age, was standing by his family's chairs and towels, yelling, "Mommy!"

Over. And over. And over again.

Finally, in an attempt to stifle him, I asked, what's wrong?

Immediately he started crying and said, "Mommy won't come here!"

Wow. That's demanding. Did I mention I want to get my tubes tied?

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Winner Announced

Chuck: The last column, or how Lorrie could turn 117 votes into 12 million.

Lorrie: I prepared myself all day to watch 120 minutes of TV to get to what took all of 7 seconds to learn- David Cook is this year's American Idol.

I know, I know...I could've turned on the TV at 9:57 p.m. and seen all I needed to see, but I would've missed Jason Castro's rendition of Hallejuah again. I would've missed Amanda Overmyer singing as though she had a Rottweiler stuck in her throat. I would've missed Donna Summer's bad weave.

I will take this opportunity to explain Randy's wardrobe: he actually was running late from the Off-Broadway production of "I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka!" and didn't have time to change out of his costume before he hit the AI theater.

Chuck: I predict this column will be much shorter than that Love Guru commercial skit.

Lorrie: Somehow, we haven't been very successful at paring this down as the weeks progressed. Why start now?

Chuck: Jason Castro sang again. Well, it went like this, the fourth, the fifth, a minor fall, a major lift, and it was over. Hallelujah.

They spent two minutes on Ford commercial outtakes. And we thought the commercials were bad.

The final six women sang Donna Summer. We learned two things: Nothing in the American Idol contract could force Amanda Overmeyer into a dress and Brooke White dances like a prom queen whose punch has been spiked.

Donna Summer proved she works not so hard for her money by giving her mic to sYESha.

Coke spared no expense and ran a two year old commercial 17 times.

Jimmy Kimmel needs to go back to Sarah Silverman and beg her to write him new material.

David Archuleta's father wouldn't let him sing “Summer of 69.” For obvious reasons.

Lorrie: Why did they let David Hernandez, the not-so-secret-gay-male-stripper, sing the verse about "Jody got married?" He wasn't believable, BTW.

Chuck: Wow, new songs by Bryan Adams, Donna Summer, and George Michael. That's why I listen to those oldies...you know, for the new stuff.

Lorrie: I felt embarrased when the Davids sang Heaven and the David2008 sang "Now nothing can take me away from you." Dude, he totally sounded like he was singing that to DC.

A brief side-note- All these years, I've never realized that Bryan Adams had the Madonna-Gap in his teeth.

Chuck: The best moment with David Cook and ZZ Top was when Cook started the famous ZZ Top knee swing. The guys didn't join in. It's easy to break a hip at that age.

Lorrie: DC did an awesome job with the ZZ Top song. That, by far was my favorite performance of the night. I don't care that they sing some of the most sexist songs ever written, I love 'em!

Chuck: Couldn't you just picture Crosby, Stills, Nash, & White? I want to hear her sing “Tin soldiers and Nixon's coming...”

Did we really need to learn Cook prefers briefs and Archuleta boxers? I hope those Guitar Hero commercials never run again.

Lorrie: I think Daddy Dearest prefers boxers and therefore, the David2008 prefers boxers.

Chuck: Seeing the Jonas Brothers made me long for the days of Hanson. Mmmm- Bop.

Lorrie: Allow me to reveal how un-hip my husband and I are. We couldn't translate what all those screaming girls her saying when they introduced that boy band. My husband asked, "Is that Menudo?" And for a split second, I thought it might be.

Chuck: The USC Trojan Marching Band's rendition of “I Am Your Brother” is their best work since they joined Fleetwood Mac on “Tusk.”

Lorrie: I concur. Now about the fact that the producers allowed this weird little man to perform in front of this huge audience: don't they realize that when they let people like this come on the results show, and they give them a freaking marching band to back them up, they only encourage others who are straight-up, bitch-kittens crazy to show up for the auditions next year?! Oh wait. That's intentional. I get it now.

Chuck: The band you thought was Maroon 5 singing with Archuleta was actually One Republic. After it was over, it really was too late to apologize.

When they cut to Archuleta's grandfather I thought he was going to say, “Suck it Osmonds. Here we come.”

The less said about Jordin Spark's dress the better.

Lorrie: Oh, no you don't. I won't be denied my remark. Jordin went to the ugly side of her closet to get dressed tonight. Gold lamet? Puh-lease...

Chuck: Do you want to know they had that Gladys Knight and “the Pips” skit? Tropic Thunder

Lorrie: I loved that skit. Jack Black can just stand there and blink his eyes and have me howling.

Chuck: When did sweet farm girl Carrie Underwood become Tammy Wynette?

Lorrie: Few of you viewers know this, but Carrie Underwood actually was going to dive off the balcony with that parachute that was attached to her sleeves, but she chickened out at the last minute. On another note, did that girl sport some rockin' legs last night, or what?!

Chuck: While the women sang “Faith” all their microphones cut out except for one. I think it was a backup singer. Amanda didn't even bother holding the mic to her mouth.

Lorrie: Amanda Overmyer's voice sticks out as horribly as her hair in this crowd of finalists. They should have just given her some money to stay home from the tour. Everyone else just makes her sound like utter garbage.

Chuck: Paula cried while George Michael sang. She remembered when they used to be popular.

OK, it's time to announce I was shocked, shocked! For weeks Lorrie pushes for the David2008 robot and at the last minute votes for David Cook? It had to be millions of people like her switching at the last minute that made the difference.

Lorrie: I feel kind of bad about my sudden presto-switcho-chango. Now poor Li'l David is gonna be on restriction when he goes home for losing. I can hear Daddy Dearest now: "Second place is the first loser!"

Chuck: I loved how Cook's tears barely contained his muttering, “They own me. They own me!”

I've really enjoyed writing these columns with Lorrie. Still, I'm looking forward to simply watching true talent on TV: So You Thing You Can Dance? starts next week!

Lorrie: Well, Chuck, I'm shocked at the results and bordering on weepy, because we've come all this way and now our dueling blogging has come to an end. What say we blog about Wheel of Fortune next week, for old time's sake?

More insight on the CSX deal

In my routine perusal of local blogs this morning, I came across Julie Townsend's post on the Downtown Lakeland Partnership blog. This particular post is a response/clarification to a recent article that appeared in The Ledger about the future of the CSX project.

In my opinion, there are few people outside of government officials who appear to be as well-versed on this issue as Julie. If you have any opinion on the CSX issue, you owe it to yourself to read her post, titled CSX Q&A in The Ledger.

Remember, the CSX project is not a done deal. Right now, we all have a bit of breathing room in which additional informaton can be gathered and perhaps Lakeland's voice can finally be heard on the same level as the voices in Orlando and Winter Haven.

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- Grand Finale

Chuck: Right off the bat I'm going to tell you David Archuleta will be announced as the winner Wednesday night. That said, he didn't earn it.

A consistent, solid, middle of the road performer doesn't embody “American Idol.”

But...

David Cook also should not win American Idol. He took a dive. A smart dive.

What's a poor public to do?

I can tell you what will happen. David Archuleta will win and his first album will sell well, and in three years he'll sing at the end of an AI finale while behind him the producers show video of that season's losers.

Lorrie: Don't forget the part where David Archuleta eventually will rival Britney Spears with his nervous breakdown. The only thing that will keep him from stealing her Crazy Crown will be the fact that he refuses to marry K-Fed.

Chuck: David Cook will have a solid, though not high-profile, career as a singer.

Let's get ready to.....grumble....

Lorrie: I would like to let the readers know that I concur with Chuck's prediction that David Archuleta will win, despite the fact that for the first time this season, I voted. For David Cook. 117 times.

Ryan started off the evening as star of The Captain Obvious Show by asking Randy, "What's it gonna take to win this competition?"

Uhhhhh, duh, Ryan...more votes than the other guy.

• Round One or Clive Davis Picks Songs to Make You Wince

Chuck: The first good news for the David2008...four hours of voting. His fans have much more stamina.

The first bad news for the David2008? His comment that “I'll keep on doing what I've been doing.” Duh. You're Johnny One-Note. What else can you do?

Simon's advice is to hate your opponent. Both Davids immediately ignore Simon's advice.

Lorrie: That's an understatement. Did you notice how the Davids did everything short of having a smoochfest on stage?

Chuck: David Cook led with “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.” The bad news..he wasn't as good as Bono. The good news? He wasn't as bad as Sonny Bono.

Lorrie: U2's Joshua Tree was among the first albums I bought as a teenager, so I've always liked this song. I loved what DC did with this song. You still knew what he was singing, but if you're familiar with it, you could pick out the areas where he changed things up a bit.

This guy has got IT. A Class A performance.

Chuck: Randy Jackson thinks it is 2007.

Lorrie: I'm glad you caught that, too. I thought I was going crazy.

Chuck: Paula thinks it is 1987. Simon thought it was phenomenal.

Lorrie: Someone needs to tell Paula that her writer is NOT on her side. First performance of the evening, and Paula was off to the races with her cheesy-ass comments, telling DC, "You may not have found what you're looking for, but we have."

Hee haw. That's good stuff.

Chuck: David Archuleta sang “Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” He was more animated than ever this season. He took the song down gospel lane. He still couldn't leave his eyes open.

Lorrie: A great choice for Li'l David. Heavy-breathing, lip-licking DA did a good job on this song tonight. This is certainly his style of music. And Chuck, DA can't help that he has squinty little eyes!

Chuck: Randy thought it was flawless. Paula was never heard as Randy kept muttering “Crazy” as she spoke. Simon told him it was the best he'd done so far.

Lorrie: Actually, Paula was heard muttering her lame one-liner: "The sun is never gonna go down on you, David."

Come on! You couldn't see these things coming any better if there was an air traffic controller onstage guiding them into the microphone.

Did you get a load of DA mouthing "Oh My Gosh.." after Simon's comments? He wasn't surprised by Simon's comment. As the camera panned away, there was relief on his face as he whispered "Daddy's not gonna beat me tonight!"

Finally, can I just ask you, Chuck? What's up with the boxing references? I'm going to have to declare a personal moratorium on use of the word LAME in this post.

• The New Song Contest Contestant Choice or “All the songs sucked and we didn't want to pick one.”

Chuck: David Cook picked Dream Big, a song that uses his voice, wasn't repetitive, and had a rocker vibe. In other words, a stupid song choice.

With the New Song all that matters is that it repeats the chorus five times and sounds upbeat.

Lorrie: The New Song also has to be hokey as all get-out. Don't forget that requirement!

Chuck: Randy thought Cook sang his face off. Paula started talking and I drifted off.

Lorrie: Allow me to fill you in on Paula's comment. Paula started to say, "David, I hope your dreaming big because..." Then she was interrupted by Simon, who wrapped his fingers around her neck in an attempt to choke her to sleep and end my misery.

Chuck: Simon said the song was a lightweight. It was. That's why David Cook picked it. Winning AI would be poison for his career. He had a choice: win and be stuck in a contract that would strangle him, or get second and have the freedom to make the album he wants to make.

David Archuleta sang “In This Moment” As he sang I wrote, “In this moment I need five shots of tequila.” I fear it wouldn't have been enough.

Lorrie: That's funny, Paula said the same thing!

Chuck: But it was the perfect song for the show. It was repetitive. He sang the same thing over and over. If you missed it, he sang it again. In other words, he sang exactly what an audience wants out of the new song.

Nothing new.

Randy loved it. He worked with Journey. Need I write more? Paula said something. I saw her lips move. Simon loved the egotistical lyric.

Lorrie: My only note from this song was that to me, poor, poor Li'l David looked simply dazed...stunned...bordering on paralysis.

Chuck: Round two was to David2008. He obviously was, as Randy loved to say, “In it to win it.”

• the Final Round or When David Cook Guaranteed He'd Lose.

Chuck: David Cook didn't pick a song he knew the audience had loved. He spent two minutes displaying the kind of music fans can expect to see on his album. Please note that people who vote on AI rarely buy the albums.

In case you wondered about the lyrics for Cook's song, I'll sum it up: a disillusioned man considers suicide. Known in film circles as “The Feel Good Hit of the Year!!' Known on AI as Second Place.

At the end David Cook cried. Paula cried. People who had bet on Cook cried.

Simon suggested David should have sung “Billy Jean” or “Hello.” Cook responded, “Why? To win and get stuck with that oppressive contract? You're crazy.”

Really. He said that. Check your DVR.

Lorrie: I've enjoyed how DC continued to push himself and take chances, while DA lames out with a stunning- but repeat- performance of Imagine.

Paula, the bouncy bobble-headed doll, jumped out of her seat at the end of the song. Surprise.

DC tried to lasso in a few more votes by shedding a couple of tears.

Paula told DC, "You're standing in your truth." Paula! WTF!!!

After Simon's suggestion that he should have sung Billie Jean or Hello, DC stood up for himself and said for him, this season has been about progression...why should he do a song he's already done?

Kudos to DC, but I hope he was watching his back after the show, because Daddy Dearest Archuleta probably tried to jump him for that comment.

Chuck: David Archuleta sang “Imagine.” Now, I love Imagine. My license plate says “Dreamer.” And John Lennon never wrote “Take my hand and join us.” I closed my eyes and imagined I'd never again have to hear Archuleta sing.

Randy crowned David2008 as the winner. Paula was thankfully left speechless, and Simon called it a “knockout.”

I'd have to agree. But it was a Technical Knock Out as Cook threw in the towel. Since the audience will vote on the performances of the finale, and not the whole season, they'll vote David Archuleta as the winner.

Even David Cook wanted that. Check the tape. When Ryan mentions tuning in Wednesday night to see who won, Cook stands back and points to Archuleta.

Lorrie: Tune in tonight for the results show!

American Idol Top 3 Results Show Recap

Chuck: I've got nothing.

Lorrie: Well, let me share this, then- sYESha is at the courthouse today changing her name to...you see this one coming...sNOsha. I wish we could take pride in our accurate prediction, but this was like shooting fish in a barrel, y'all.

Chuck: Seriously, after all these weeks it's down to two.

Tuesday's show almost put me to sleep. Then I had to spend an hour Wednesday watching the same scenes three times: contestant goes to home town, politician tries to get camera time, contestant sees lots of kids at mall and cries.

I cry myself when I see that many people at Brandon mall. Of course, Christmas always makes me emotional.

Let's see....Fantasia sang. Well, whatever it is she does.

Lorrie: Again- shooting fish in a barrel- but what the heck was up with Fantasia? First of all, she looked like a match stick (a thick matchstick) with that day-glow red hair.

Then there was the dancing...I swear, she looked like an African tribeswoman with some of those moves. And, she had Black Gilligan up in the balcony accompanying her. I expected to see Reuben Studdard walk out at any second dressed like The Skipper.

Chuck: Then we had to watch the "you're going home" tape for each contestant.

Did you notice that the tape of David Cook showed him in line with his brother? In line, Cook has normal hair, but by the time he gets to sing for the judges he has some red dye on his forelock.

Lorrie: I missed that. I must've been knee-deep in a yawn at that point.

Chuck: I love how sYESha dropped her smile and happy attitude like a guillotine when Ryan said she was going home.

Lorrie: That's because she was fuming over how her dad tried to steal the spotlight while she was home by telling America about how his baby girl's voice keeps him from going back to drugs and alcohol.

Chuck: Next week it's David and David. Welcome to the Boomtown.

Points if you get that reference.

Lorrie: Dang it. No points for me.

Chuck: I'm going to spend this weekend watching Marx Brothers movies to get my funny back.
You can't fool me. There's no such thing as sanity clause.

The Chuck & Lorrie Show- American Idol Top 3

Chuck: You're wondering why they didn't just declare a winner after last night's American Idol. That is, if you watched the show last night, and if you didn't --- why are you reading this? If you're looking for humor, try here.

Last night we learned that Randy is a belt and suspenders kind of guy. Paula's new writer doesn't really care for anyone, and Simon is, wait for it, the only person on the show who believes in its premise.

Lorrie: Remember earlier in the season, when we were happy and carefree...cracking jokes and getting a cheap laugh here and there? Well, gentle readers, after last night, I feel like I'm just ready for this ride to be over.

Here we are in Top Three Land and I wasn't blown away by any performances last night. To be sure, I agree with Simon that David Cook won the evening. I still think he will win the show.

Ho hum...on with the review:

• The Judges Pick
Chuck: We learned retired major league baseball star Rollie Fingers is the mayor of Who Really Cares, Utah, David A's hometown. He's the only contestant not to get his judge-picked song by text message. I'm assuming his father won't let him read.

Lorrie: Chuck, only good boys get cell phones with texting capability. Little David has not been a good boy lately, according to Daddy Dearest.

Chuck: Paula picked Billy Joel's least remembered song. Appropriately enough, I don't remember David A's performance. My notes simply say, “He bends over in pain and the audience mistakes that for emotion. They clap.”

Lorrie: Be happy, Chuck...I will say, for the first time this season, I thought this performance was B-O-R-I-N-G. And as usual, Simon was the only one to speak any truth into the situation with his comment that the performance was "predictable," "good," but not "great."

Chuck: Randy Jackson also said David A's performance was predictable.

Speaking of predictable, Jackson picked If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys for sYESha. In a bold move, sYESha played a tape of Key's singing the song and lip synced. Jackson said it was HAWT!

Lorrie: I agree. There was not one element to this song to differentiate it from Alicia Keys' version- accept that it was performed by a lesser vocalist than Alicia. Here's the deal: I get it- sYESha is a very good singer, and apparently a decent actress. But once again, if you're gonna try to out-Alicia Alicia, you better brang it. And, once again, sYESha just couldn't deliver that tall order.

Chuck: It's difficult to do a song that's so identifiable with the artist, Paula said. Simon was right that she didn't change it up enough to make it different.

David Cook was thrown a curveball when Simon picked “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack for the rocker to sing. At least Cowell was trying to get his singer to show the range of his talent.

Lorrie: This is an amazing song and I agree with Simon that it is one of the great songs of all-time. So why does Simon give David Cook an old standard like this, yet dog on sYESha for choosing to sing another old standard- "Fever?" (We'll discuss this later, Y'all. Hang tight)

The answer is simple. David Cook is capable of taking a song that many, many people know and love, and making it fresh. Different. Shiny. New. He can show some originality.

Note to the other contestants- you can't show what you don't have.

Chuck: Simon was right..Cook was the best of that round.

Lorrie: I didn't write Randy's snide comment to David in my notes. However, I wrote this: Randy, shut up. A-hole.

• The Contestants' Pick

Chuck: Since David A.'s father wasn't allowed backstage Archuleta the Younger was forced to read smoke signals his father sent from a burning car on the LA Freeway. Unfortunately, the smoke signal was partially lost in the haze and the young son only caught part of the title “I Only Want to be With You.” Instead of Dusty Springfield, Archuleta sang Chris Brown's “With You.”

I wasn't with him. David One Note will be in the final...and the 14-year-old girls might even vote him the American Idol. If so and he hits the road with his dad, he'll have a life of Amy Winehouse proportion. Not a career. A life.

I won't say he sounded like an Osmond singing Snoop Dogg, but David A learned he should run away from any song that includes the lyric “I need you, Boo.”

Lorrie: There's just something that makes me want to guffaw when I hear David sing anything about "my boo" in a song. He's the whitest white boy around.

Speaking of racist stereotyping, what up, Randy?! He said hearing David sing about "my boo" wasn't believable. How so? David could have a "boo." If his daddy said it was OK, he most certainly could have a "boo."

Chuck: In order to prove she is a hip contestant, sYESha picked Fever by Peggy Lee – a song familiar only to those who need a hip replacement.

Lorrie: Easy... I knew that song.

Chuck: My wife's sole comment on the night: Why couldn't she find a bra that fit that dress?

Lorrie: Here's my sole comment for this performance. What is with sYESha's faux southern accent prior to performing?? It was irritating the crap outta me. And giving me the vapors.

Randy didn't like the performance. Paula was surprised she picked this song and wasn't sure it showed "who sYESha is as an artist." Simon thought she would later regret the choice, because she chose not to prove she's a contemporary artist.

I have news, judges. It doesn't matter what song she chose, Ol' Girl is headed home tonight.

Chuck: David C. sang Switchfoot's song “Dare You to Move.” I dare you to remember the lyrics to that song.

Lorrie: He sounded like he was screaming through parts of this song.

Chuck: This round proved that none of the final three should be allowed to pick their own songs.

• The Producers Pick

Chuck: This is always the segment where the producers attempt to sabotage all except their chosen Idol.

David A. is forced at gunpoint to sing Dan Fogelberg's Longer. I'm just glad Fogelberg didn't live long enough to hear a child sing “Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow.” The kid hasn't been alive long enough for Cheetos to spoil, let alone to see pages yellow.

Lorrie: I lost my fascination in Li'l David tonight. I predict this boy is going to have a complete meltdown before he's 21.

Chuck: It's obvious where the producers believe sYESha's talent lies. They gave her a song used in a Wheat Thins commercial. She would have been better off singing Fever again. After all, her hip replacement fans would have forgotten she had already screeched her way through the song.

Lorrie: Eh. It was a'ight.

More surprising than the song was glassy-eyed Paula telling sYESha she doesn't know if it was going to be good enough to get into the finals. Paula isn't supposed to speak the truth! She's supposed to tell contestants what a great job the Glam Squad did with the contestants' hair and makeup each night!

Chuck: David C. sang “I Don't Want to Miss A Thing.” Penned by Diane Warren originally for Celine Dion, and made popular by Aerosmith as the feel good hit from the soundtrack for Armageddon.

At least he tried to mix it up a little.

Lorrie: I thought it was good, but I wasn't blown away. Diane Warren wasn't wretching while he sang it, so I consider that a ringing endorsement.

Who's going home?

Chuck: sYESha and it has nothing to do with talent. She just didn't come across as “warm” when she needed to be.

Lorrie: sYESha, pack those bags!