The Wednesday Night Board Meeting

The older I get, the more I like my parents. I've always loved them. But I really like them, too. In my 20s, a visit home meant a chance to catch up with friends from school. These days, my friends rarely know when I'm in town because I'm just hangin' with my family.

My dad has been retired for a few years now, but he still keeps in touch with his old work buddies. Not so much by phone; he's not the chatty type. Definitely not by e-mail; he'd kick your ass just for suggesting that he sit in front of a computer and peck out a note to someone. No, my dad and his friends keep in touch in a reasonably formal way. It's called the Wednesday Night Board Meeting.

I have to admit that the first time I happened to be at my parents' house on a Wednesday night, I prepared myself for a Wednesday Night Bored Meeting. But let me assure you, these are anything but.

First of all, I'm privileged beyond words that I even get to attend the occasional WNBM when I'm in town. Typically they are attended by men only.

Secondly, I get to learn things about my dad and his buddies that I wasn't privvy to as a child. The guys love to tell stories on each other. And let me just say right now that the guys already know about this blog, so it should be understood that anything they say within earshot of me is fair game in here. Nonetheless, I will change some names to protect the guilty where necessary.

Also, I must mention that southern accents make these stories soooooo much better, so audio would be great here. However, I'll try to spell phonetically so my Yankee friends will get the point.

On a recent visit to the WNBM, Daddy called out a friend- let's call him Arty- for his recent social faux pas while at a NASCAR event (you didn't think I'd share a story about rednecks that didn't include a NASCAR angle, did you?!).

Daddy asked what might have been an innocent question by anyone else: "Arty, do you need some Depends?" Or words to that effect.

Immediately, Arty gets a sheepish look on his face.

"Alright, I'll admit it. I sharted," he said.

I'm wondering what the heck a "shart" is, but in this group, it doesn't take long to figure things out.

Arty and a group of friends went to see a race at the Daytona Speedway. Shortly after nearly getting into an altercation with a drunk man, Arty sat back down by his girlfriend, gazed lovingly into her eyes, hiked up one butt cheek and attempted to fart, "just to be cute," he said.

I say attempted, because that's not quite what happened. He crapped in his pants. Classy.

So Arty quickly earned himself a new nickname: Arty Sharty.

A couple of weeks later, I found myself at my parents' once again- on a Wednesday night. I'll admit I was excited. I wondered who might top the Arty Sharty story this week.

On this night, a legendary story about my dad beating the crap out of an uncle-by-marriage came up. I've heard the story before, but it's so much funnier when Daddy's redneck friend- who witnessed said butt-kicking-tells it. I suspect he embellishes, but hey, I never let the facts get in the way of a good story, either.

We'll call his redneck friend "Mike."

Mike says he was in the truck with my dad the afternoon they drove up to my aunt and uncle's house so Daddy could have a calm conversation with his brother-in-law on how his sister should be cared for and treated properly.

Let's set the scene: Daddy and Mike are in a 1974 Dodge Power Wagon 4x4. They enter the trailer park (Yeah, I know. No redneck story is complete without a trailer park scene) and drive over the aunt's/uncle's hedge and stop in the front yard, just outside the front door.

This is how Mike describes what happened next: Uncle comes barreling out the front door, shouting, "Hey, you can't drive over my hedge and up in my yard like-"

BAAAAAWOOOP!

That's the sound of Daddy doing an open-handed slap across the Uncle's face. And the Uncle doing a cartwheel as he hits the ground.

"I thought he was doin' sum gymnastics," Mike says of the Uncle. "Yer daddy beat the hell outta 'im."

Then Daddy pipes in with, "No I didn't, I slapped 'im one time."

"What about when you kicked 'im in the hangy downs as he tried to crawl under the trailer?" Mike asks.

Daddy denies that happened. Meanwhile, I'm still doubled over with laughter at the term "hangy downs."

I promise, one day I am going to write a book. You just can't make this stuff up.

Some Things Are Worth Repeating

I'm a writer. I'm comfortable with my style; my abilities. But sometimes, I read things like this and wish these were my words:


I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say-
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.


Words For It
Julia Cameron

The Battle of the Bulge

The Battle of the Bulge is something I've fought nearly all of my adult life. It comes as no surprise that the older I get, the more the bulge gets the best of me.

It doesn't help when you have friends who are 5'8",weigh 112 pounds on a hefty day and wear size zero. Meanwhile I'm too short, weigh none-of-your-damn-business and wear size fat-in-the-ass.

The skinny friend recently went through a bout of uncontrolled weight loss. She was eating like a horse and still losing weight. Well, cry me a friggin' river, I thought. Oh, to have that problem.

But she kept wasting away and frankly, I began to worry about her health. She did, too. We made a trip to her endocrinologist together (she suffers from doctor's office anxiety and wanted some emotional support) and learned that she has hyperthyroidism. This is nothing to fool around with, and I know that.

But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help being jealous. Why does she get to have hyperthyroidism and lose all the weight? Why couldn't I have hyperthyroidism, too?

Now let me just share something about my twisted thoughts. In my mind, I should be able to choose the characteristics of hyperthyroidism that I want. Obviously, I just want the ones that result in drastic, faster-than-the-speed-of-light weight loss. I'll even handle the chronic diarrhea. But you can keep the resting pulse rate of 140 BPM, the inability to sleep and the nagging feeling that your insides are trying to vibrate right out of your body.

Also, in this fantasy world of mine, I could schedule my hyperthyroidism. It would last until I lost the appropriate amount of weight and then it would miraculously go away. I don't think that is too much to ask.

While whining about my weight to a friend this morning, she offered her seven step plan to becoming anorexic. We laughed heartily at the joke, but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't considering following the steps. Not all of them are unhealthy. See for yourself:

The Skinny Girl's Guide to Becoming an Anorexic

1. When you feel hunger pangs, drink water.
2. Cravings typically only last 60 seconds. Distract, distract, distract.
3. Plan errands around mealtimes.
4. Use a small plate, such as a salad plate. Eat on a black plate, if possible and avoid eating on red or orange plates. (She gave a plausible explanation that's too long to share. Just trust me on this one)
5. Chop food into small pieces before eating and put your fork down between bites. Also, eat things that burns more calories eating them than the calories taken in by actually eating the food. Celery is an example.
6. Count how many times you chew your food before swallowing and double it.
7. Exercise daily. For hours.

Let Me Go!

I've been spending some time at Gandy Pool lately because it's been hot as a wok around here. Well that, and my latest wild hair is that I've decided I want to become a lap swimmer. Riding the bike and walking is fun and all, but did I mention it's hot as a wok?! Exercise in the pool is right up my alley.

But I digress...

So Mike and I spent Saturday and Sunday at Gandy Pool, swimming laps and getting some sun. It was meant to be calming...relaxing. Instead, I left the pool Sunday with this overwhelming desire to get my tubes tied.

I heard more squalling, screaming, whining and fit-pitching- and that was just the parents. Nah, not really.

One little girl, she couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 years old- practically set off car alarms in the parking lot with her shriek. She did something wrong and her dad was holding her by the arm and walking her back to where she was supposed to be while she screamed as though she were being scalped and howled, "LET ME GO!!!"

"LET MEEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"LLLLLLLLET MEEEEEE GOOOOOO!!!"

All the while, I'm thinking, "For the love of God, let her go!"

No, actually, I was thinking, "Beat her a--!"

Is that too harsh? Well, I come from a family where if I was squalling like that for no good reason, my mama would offer to provide said reason.

Actually, I think the parents were doing a fairly decent job with this child. She was wanting to have her way, and they weren't letting her. It was a battle of the wills and the parents were determined to win. For that, I applaud them.

I also want to point out that if a stranger ever tries to grab that child, he/she will rue the day, because Little Girl had some LUNGS on her. Plus, she's got the whole "Let me GO!" routine down pretty good.

Another child, a little boy of about the same age, was standing by his family's chairs and towels, yelling, "Mommy!"

Over. And over. And over again.

Finally, in an attempt to stifle him, I asked, what's wrong?

Immediately he started crying and said, "Mommy won't come here!"

Wow. That's demanding. Did I mention I want to get my tubes tied?

Four Truths and One Lie Meme- The Answer

On Friday, I gave you four true facts about me and one false one. Today, I give you the answer:

The lie was #3- I never learned the ol' soft shoe.

Thanks for playing!

The Four Truths and One Lie Meme

Okey dokey, here's the deal: I totally am stealing this from another cool blog I stumbled across. I loved it, and now it's mine. Below are five statements. Can you guess which one is a lie? Mom- you cannot play this game.

1. I have interviewed Gov. Jeb Bush


2. I can take an M-16 apart and put it back together again.


3. I learned soft-shoe as a child.


4. I have wrecked a car by driving it through a concrete wall.


5. My favorite coffee drink is a caramel macchiato.

Leave a comment telling me which one you think is a lie. I'll reveal the answer on Monday.

Happy Easter!

While you're enjoying Easter with your family today, my family will be eating my first-ever Easter Cake- chocolate cake, cream cheese frosting, food-colored coconut grass and Starburst jelly beans.

Now, I understand that a woman without children probably has no business making such a kid-friendly cake, but man....is it good!

2008 Found Money Blog

I enjoyed recording my findings of spare change so much in 2007, one of my New Year's resolutions is to continue the tradition in 2008 and to collect more than the $3.37 I found last year. You can review my 2007 findings here.

Mike and I went for a walk New Year's day and got this resolution off to a great start.


July 6- $1.65

June Total- 44 cents
June 27- 2 cents
June 20- 1 cent
June 19- 1 cent
June 11- 1 cent
June 8- 10 cents
June 4- 1 cent
June 2- 3 cents
June 1- 25 cents

May total- 49 cents
May 29- 5 cents
May 24- 1 cent
May 20- 1 cent
May 18- 11 cents
May 17- 2 cents
May 11- 1 cent
May 8- 2 cents
May 6- 5 cents
May 4- 21 cents

April Total- 48 cents
April 24- 3 cents
April 19- 2 cents
April 18- 1 cent
April 16- 4 cents
April 15- 1 cent
April 13- 37 cents

March update- it's getting to be slim pickins' lately. I'm gonna have to start lurking around movie theaters after they turn on the lights if things don't turn around soon

March Total- 1 cent
March 8- 1 cent

February Total- 62 cents
February 17- 37 cents
February 14- 10 cents
February 4- 13 cents
February 3- 2 cents

January Total- $2.49
January 31- 1 cent
January 28- 10 cents (Mike found this in the parking lot at work, the the 1/15 rule applies)
January 27- 96 cents
January 26- 1 cent
January 24- 2 cents
January 15- 1 cent (Mike found this but it goes in the same change jug at home so it still counts)
January 10- 2 cents
January 6- 16 cents
January 4- 1 cent
January 1- $1.19

Marriage and Mix Tapes

I was thinking yesterday about how easily relationship woes were solved in high school. A good mix tape could explain away a bad day, calm the jealousy caused by flirting with that boy while cruising the Boulevard with your friends, describe how painful that mean remark was, apologize for making a meaner remark in return.

A good mix tape could say the things you couldn't put into words yourself. And they didn't always have to be right-on-the-money. For example, in 9th grade, Brent L. made me a mix tape with explanations. Beside "Sister Golden Hair" he wrote: (If you had blonde hair). Granted, some of his songs made no sense for a "This will show you how much I love you" mix tape. I mean, "A Horse With No Name?" What the hell?!

A good mix tape always seemed so heart-felt. I broke up with Joe C. my senior year in high school and when I got in my car that afternoon, what was under my windshield wiper? Why, a mix tape, of course! How else was the guy supposed to let me know how badly it hurt to have his heart ripped out, while also trying to convince me to take him back?

But with age- and marriage- comes fewer props for effective communication. It seems issues that come up in a marriage become too gigantic- or maybe petty- to be fixed with a mix tape. What song would I use to say "Please don't buy that Harley Davidson because I'm afraid we can't afford it?"

Or, after the Harley has been purchased: "How much GD chrome do you have to put on that thing before you're done?!"

If The Bangles ever wrote anything to address why you shouldn't leave the water running while you're brushing your teeth because it's wasteful, I'd love to hear it.

Does Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam have a song to say "Just because koozies and stickers are free at trade shows, doesn't mean you have to grab three at each booth?"

Marriage would be so much simpler if I had a soundtrack playing in the background.

15 Bean Soup

So last night we made 15-bean soup with ham in it. After I was done, I fed two pieces of fat to my dogs. I let them eat it off the spoon.

Several minutes later, Mike and I both decided to have a bit more soup. After I was done with the second bowl, I went to feed my dogs the leftover fat.

Then I realized I had never washed my spoon after feeding them the first time.

GROSS!!!!!

What are you doing right now?

I'm sitting on my numb ass, which got this way from sitting in a Denny's restaurant for three hours, meeting with a potential client. It was worth my time, by the way. Now I'm seriously thinking about backing away from this computer and marching into the living room to participate in a workout DVD. Or maybe I'll just watch TV. Tough choice.

So what are you doing right now?

The Four Questions Tag

Chuck at Lakeland Local tagged me with a meme. I'm to offer four answers to four questions, and he even granted permission to change the questions, if I so desired.

Four Jobs I've Had:
1) Short order cook at a bowling alley on a military post (My favorite job ever. No lie.)
2) Reporter
3) Executive director of a nonprofit organization
4) Medical records clerk


Four Careers I Wanted, but Let Life Lead me Away:
1) Stand-up comedian
2) Doing anything with farming or horticulture
3) Author (there's still time!)
4) Large animal veterinarian

Four TV Shows I watch:
1) Lost
2) American Idol
3) LA Ink
4) Any pop culture shows on VH1

Four Places I went in 2007:
1) Long Beach, CA
2) Waynesville, NC
3) Cottondale, FL
4) Ocala, FL

Four People Whose Answers I'd Like to See:
1) Darby
2) Travis
3) True Calling
4) Jess

Do The iPod Shuffle

I'm stealing this idea from Travis, only because everyone else has stolen it today, too. Here's how it works:

Get your iPod and go to “Shuffle Songs” - then list off the first 10 songs that come up. No Skipping! Here’s mine:

1. ZZ Top- I’m Bad, I’m Nationwide
2. Def Leopard- Foolin
3. Little Big Town- Lost
4. The Brian Jonestown Massacre- Sailor
5. Sheryl Crow- Soak Up the Sun
6. Santana- Se A Cabo
7. Violent Femmes- Johnny
8. Bad Company- Rock Steady
9. Pink Floyd- Money
10. Little Big Town- Mean Streak

Now it's your turn. Be sure to leave your list in my comments

Weekend Round-Up

Friday night the cops visited the next door neighbor. Apparently, he wasn't taking visitors, as he refused to come to the door. My husband and I went out and talked to the cops for a few minutes. The neighbor from across the street also came over for a minute. He could stay long. He had to run an errand and back his car into one of the patrol cars before he left. Busy night. I thought I would DIE laughing. Turns out the officer just got that patrol car last week. The fender bender didn't even bend anything, but before the neighbor drove off, I couldn't help but be an instigator and suggest he submit to a field sobriety test first. He didn't laugh.

Saturday meant it was time to venture down to the Lakeland Farmer's Curb Market once again. This time, it was for a couple of reasons. First, Darby and I wanted to see if our video and my article in The Ledger resulted in increased attendance. We think it did. How do we know, asks the dear reader?

Darby and I went around asking people how they heard about the market. Many said they read about it in the paper. All of the responses were good but two. These two women clearly were not from the south, as evidenced by their Yankee accents. Darby asked the question. Both women said they read it in the paper. Darby explained she was asking because her friend had written the article.

Immediately- I mean, there was NO hesitation here- both women said in very Yankee voices, "Well tell yah friend the directions wah haaaarible!"

Followed by, " Yah, we almost left."

Followed by my first thought, "I wish you woulda."

They went on for a second and finally I piped up and said, "I wrote the article. I'm 'the friend.'"

They weren't even embarrassed. Instead, they said, "Oh. Saaaaahry. But yah should put directions. We almost nevah found the place."

I attempted a little Journalism 101 lesson, but decided it was futile. Instead, I explained that I had put the address in there. In fact, this is exactly what I put in the article:

"The Farmers Curb Market is held from 8 a.m. until 2 p.m. Saturdays at 200 N. Kentucky Ave., in the plaza of the Peterson Building, across the street from the Downtown Crispers. Anyone wanting to become a vendor should call Market Manager Jim Luna at 863-688-4238 or 863-221-4633. For more information, visit the market Web site: www.ldda.org/curbmarket/."

So I guess the only advice I can give those two Yankee complainers is this: don't forget to pull your head out of your ass before you get behind the wheel and head to the Farmers Market. Otherwise, you might miss it.

At the market I bought fresh strawberries and kiwi, along with a bag of chocolate chip cookies for my friend Vonya's baby shower. We planned this shower two weeks before her due date, but she decided to have baby Zoe early.

No mention of a baby shower where the baby has been born would be complete without a picture, so here you go: Aren't they both beautiful? :o)

On Sunday, I spent the morning gathering up tax info from my business , as corporations must file by Jan. 31. I spent the afternoon making cards and watching football in my Miami Dolphins hoodie. I know, I know. But a true fan is a fan in good times and bad.

American Idol- Night One

Overall, a great show! I won't bore anyone with a play-by-play, I'll just reveal my favorite quote of the evening, made by the girl who did the Grace Slick impression. Here's what she said (angrily) after being told she wasn't going to Hollywood:

"I'm going for actressing."

American Idol Season 7- Feeding My Addiction

Oh. My. God. I am so flaming excited that finally....American Idol Season 7 starts tonight. For the next few months, my Tuesday and Wednesday nights will be completely consumed by this. It will become my life. It's a good thing we scheduled the next blogger meet-up on a Monday night, or else I'd have to miss it. Vonya and I will have to end our Wednesday coffee meetings at 7:45 p.m. until Idol goes to 9 p.m. on Wednesday nights.

Note to all of my friends: you remember the routine- no phone calls while Idol is on. You know I won't answer the phone. Well, maybe if there's a commercial on, but then you've got two minutes. And you better be bleeding.

Chick-fil-A Calendars

After dropping off my two foster puppies at the Lakeland SPCA this morning, I decided to treat myself to Chick-fil-A breakfast. I stumbled across a great discovery that my fellow procrastinators might appreciate knowing about.

I had planned to buy a 2008 calendar there, because I realized it's now the middle of January and I have no calendar. These calendars are great, because they cost all of $5 and there's a coupon redeemable each month. They get their money's worth from me, because I don't redeem all the coupons. I forget about them half the time.

Anyway, I order breakfast and two calendars at the drive-thru, then see a sign that said if you purchased a $20 Chick-fil-A gift card, you got a calendar free.

I changed my order at the window and bought two $20 gift cards and got both calendars free. I may not redeem all the coupons, but I'll definitely use the gift cards.

Bike-Thru Banking at Mid-Florida FCU

I stumbled upon some interesting information today. Mid-Florida Federal Credit Union now offers "Bike-Thru Banking."

In a nutshell, you can ride your bike through the drive-thru now, instead of parking and walking inside.

This is an amazing victory for me, even though I doubt that I had anything to do with the addition of this new service. However, I did attempt to ride my bike through the Gary Road Mid-Florida drive-thru in 2007 and was refused service. The teller told me it was "a security issue" and I could only use the drive-thru while on my bike if the lobby wasn't open. Apparently, riding a bike through a bank drive-thru was not a security issue between the hours of 7 and 9 a.m. back then. I used the drive-thru later when the lobby wasn't open and was not refused service.

Oh, how I'd love to believe that the influence of my blog is so great that when I wrote about being refused service, my legions of readers (thanks, Mom, Chuck, Vonya) wrote letters of protest and the powers-that-be at Mid-Florida called a special meeting and created this Bike-thru policy in my honor. But alas, something tells me that wasn't the case. Regardless, I'm happy I can take part in bike-thru banking now.

Talking to Strangers

Ginger came over yesterday to see the two puppies I'm fostering and- after a great deal of ridicule and calling her a pansy- to go for a bike ride. I don't know why she puts up a fuss. She's in much better shape and I am.

We headed to downtown Lakeland for our first stop- The Ledger. I needed a copy of the Polk County Business Journal. As we rode down Rose Street and under the Bartow Road overpass, we saw a man with a bicycle sitting on one of the benches. This may come as a shocker to some, but I'm actually a friendly sort. I say hello to people. Even to the homeless people, when I know they will use it as an opportunity to ask me for money. Too bad they don't have Internet access; they'd know how much spare change means to me.

Anyway, as we passed this man, a youngish man who didn't look homeless, I said hello and he said hello back. We continued our ride and finally wound up at McDonald's, where Ginger got her daily fix- two orders of cinnamon melts to go.

We parted ways on Edgewood Avenue and I headed home. As I approached the corner at the end of my street, who do I see standing in a neighbor's yard, but the youngish guy from under the overpass. Again, this may come as another shocker, but sometimes my friendliness acts on itself before good sense kicks in.

I throw my arm up in the air and wave wildly, smiling largely and yelling, "Hey, didn't I just see you downtown?" He didn't hear me, so I had to slow my bike a little bit and repeat myself.

He said, "Yeah, probably. I had to go to stewpid probation."

(Red alert! Red alert! Just ride away, Lorrie!)

I said, "Oh, well I thought I recognized you, so I was just saying 'hi' again!"

I started to ride off, and he said, "Well hold on a minute...what's your name?"

I started to freak out inside. Flashes of too many Lifetime movies raced through my head.

"No, no... I was just saying hello. Have a good day!" I said. But really I was saying that to the pavement in front of me, because all that guy saw was the back of me as I raced from the scene- and straight to a neighbor's house.

I knew Cheryl might be home, and I had to ask her a Stampin' Up question (she sells it). I figured now was as good a time as any.

While we were visiting, I shared my biking story with her, and she said, "Oh no, now he knows where you live!"

I said, "No he doesn't. I came straight to your house!"

Do you know this idiot?

I was reading Chuck's blog, Lakeland Local, this morning and saw a link to Alan Snel's blog, where he recently wrote about being harrassed by a Polk County driver while riding his bike in Tampa. And no, my headline is not referring to either of these two guys. Read on.

I'm also linking to Alan's blog post because I want to spread the word. Please take a moment to click on this link and if you know the idiot driver of the vehicle being described, I hope you will tell him/her to be more careful and considerate around cyclists. Bicycles have as much right to be on the roadways as motorized vehicles. Then, if you're really up to the task, smack them in the head for me.

In no way do I consider myself a "cyclist." But as someone who owns and rides a bike and enjoys riding it along Lakeland's city streets, I have a deep appreciation for others who take their biking more seriously. I have a deeper appreciation for the need to educate drivers on the importance of watching out for cyclists.